Hope

I have hope.

I have hope for the future.

I have hope for tomorrow.

I have hope for creating a home environment that is stable and secure and family oriented.

I have hope for having a home my kids can come back to with partners and kids for special occasions and every day visits.

I have hope for my kids to have healthy, happy relationships and families and careers.

I have hope to continue my education and continue to enjoy my career.

I have hope that I will travel and enjoy experiencing some of the beautiful and interesting places on this planet.

I have hope that I will continue to meet interesting people who enrich my life and expand my horizons.

I have hope that I will one day meet a man who thinks I am worth fighting for and committing to,  and who will join me in building these dreams together.

I  have hope for a bright and happy future, and if that is alone, I know I will be happy.

I have hope, faith, and trust in the life I deserve. I have hope in my ability to help create that and in a loving God.

I have hope.

Free to Be Me

I  have been on an interesting journey of self acceptance and self compassion.  It has been, at the same time, the most freeing and empowering journey,  while also being terrifying and challenging.

I am learning a lot about my true nature and who I am at my core. Instead of the constant judgements and recriminations I used to berate myself with, I am working on embracing who I am and learning to work with that.

I am learning that I function best when I take things slowly and take the time to plan and think through what I need to do. I used to judge myself so harshly for that. It seems to me that we live in a society that values the ambitious, decisive go-getters.  I value having people like that in my life too. We need them.

But, we also need the thinkers and planners. We need the ones who are behind the scenes considering every angle and taking action at a pace that works for them. People like me. We need to value those people too. I  need to value those people too. I need to value me.

My ex-husband often criticized this about me. He told me often that he needed me to be more decisive and action oriented. I  accepted his perspective that I was flawed in this way. I tried very hard for over twenty years to change my nature. I kept trying. I would get so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t make myself be different.  I struggled with anxiety and a constant sense of dislike towards myself.  I  developed patterns of self talk that were mean and even cruel towards myself.

In reality, when I work with my true nature…when I give myself time to think, consider, plan…. I  make good decisions and I accomplish a lot. Decisions that need to be made are made and I feel at peace with them. Actions that need to be taken are taken, within time frames that feel comfortable to me. There is no anxiety and no mean self talk. There is peace.

I have this week off from work. I had such ambitious plans for what I wanted to get done. But, instead I have been doing a lot of relaxing, thinking, journaling, reading, and planning. I found myself starting some mean self talk again. I am so glad I caught myself doing that. I don’t need to answer to anyone about how I spend my time. I am not going to be disapproved of any more. I am not going to be criticized any more. Unless I do it to myself! I  deserve better. I  deserve to love myself for who I am and value my true nature.

It has slowly dawned on me that what I need more than anything right now is exactly what I have been doing. It is not lazy to give my body,  mind, and spirit time to rest, reflect, and just be. It is healthy.

If I am true to that, the things I want to accomplish will get done ….at a time and pace that feels good to me. That will be much healthier and much more fulfilling for me.

Ahhhh….that  feels so much better. I am going to make some tea and go back to my book now. 🙂

The Beauty

Enough dwelling on the past.

The life I have now is far from perfect, but I choose to see beauty in it.

I have a connection with each of my kids as young adults, and I think I am pretty tuned in to them and what is happening for them in their lives. We have deep and meaningful conversations, and they come to me when they need to sort things out. To me, that is far more valuable than anything I can offer them financially or materially. That is beautiful.

I love my job. I feel fulfilled and I feel like I am living my purpose on this earth every day.  I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do the work that I do. That is beautiful.

I have a supportive family who loves me. I know we are not always on the same page about some things, and although that is hard for me, there is so much love and support.  That is beautiful.

I have amazing friends who have stood by me and who challenge me to learn new things all the time. They bring laughter, joy, fun, and love into my life.  That is beautiful.

I have a man in my life who is trustworthy, affectionate, attentive, and loving. He has taught me many things, and helped me to open up my wounded heart again.  No matter what the future holds, that is a beautiful.

I live in a place that has beauty so near, and the opportunities to appreciate that beauty often.  Nature and sunshine nurture my soul.  That is a beautiful.

I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and food in my fridge. That is a beautiful.

Today, I focus on the beauty.

I am grateful.

The Wishing…

I was doing some tidying today and found my journal from last year. I am going to share my entry from November 8, 2014:

You know what is exhausting?

It is the wishing.

The wishing that none of the last five years had happened.

But, they did.

The husband I loved, the man I gave all of myself to in every way, betrayed me in every way.

My world was shattered.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

My children’s innocence, their belief in the stability and security of our family, was stolen.

They have struggled ever since.

I have struggled ever since.

And he has struggled ever since.

Yet, it can not be put back together again.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men…

Forever broken.

Forever.

And the pain…

It is still there, for all of us.

Yes, I have mostly healed.

Yes, I have moved on.

I have found a wonderful and amazing man who truly loves me in ways I have never experienced before… not ever.

The kids have accepted it.

Yet… there is still pain.

I imagine there always will be.

This is not the way it was supposed to be.

The dreams of a young woman… for life long love and an intact family… children raised with never wavering security…

All gone.

And so…

The wishing.

I NEED to stop the wishing.

The wishing hurts so much.

It keeps me back, keeps me pushed down, locked in a prison of pain.

No more wishing.

What is done, is done.

What happened, happened.

It is what it is.

I have learned, grown, and, in some ways even blossomed.

The kids will be okay, eventually.

They have struggled, but they will never be naive and sheltered. They are not judgmental.

Life can be beautiful on the other side of pain.

Family is still family.

Newly formed, pulled together…

It can be good.

No more wishing.

Instead:

Accepting.

Embracing.

Expecting.

Loving.

Giving again.

New and different.

Life with Hope.

It’s The Way It Is

Twenty-five years ago today, I made vows that I meant with every fiber of my being.

Six years ago today, I was told “I didn’t ever love you, not even on our wedding day”. (This was recently apologized for and recanted, but five years later, after the damage was well done).

Five years ago today, I was living in my parents’ basement with two hurting teenagers, and had a very intense and powerful counselling session in which I chose to redefine this day as my anniversary of commitment to loving myself.

So, Happy Anniversary to Me! ❤

Yes, I am sad today. But, I am also at peace.  I choose to recognize my own worth and I choose to be loving to myself.

We are not Meant to Stay Wounded

I love this.

I think we are conditioned by the society we live in to avoid pain. So, we engage in all kinds of unhealthy behaviors to run away from or escape emotional pain.

But, ironically, when we do end up experiencing a crisis or a tragedy, we can get stuck in our woundedness. It becomes a new comfort zone. Sometimes it becomes our story. We might have a victim story, and it soothes our ego to get some compassion from others. Sometimes our wounds become a convenient shield to prevent anyone from getting too close. We don’t have to be too vulnerable or take too many risks if we are stuck in our victim story.

That’s part of the reason I took some time to start this blog. I didn’t want it to be a victim story. I  didn’t want it to contribute to keeping me stuck in any way. I wanted to be sure my intentions were in a healthy place in terms of my purpose.

I want to share a story of healing, of overcoming,  of victory.  I hope that is what I accomplish.

It definitely has been true for me that choosing to move through the pain, to face and deal with it, has brought amazing gifts into my life. It has created an ability to connect to other’s hearts and increase my capacity for compassion.  It has taught me life lessons and wisdom that has enriched my life and enabled me to share with others.

I am so grateful for these gifts.

It’s Up To Me

So, my life hasn’t turned out the way I hoped or expected it to. I grieved that for awhile.  Sometimes I still do.

But, I realized it was up to me to create a different life for myself that could still be good. I  took stock of my circumstances, and decided it was time to clean some things up.  I knew I had work to do on myself and work to do in terms of some practical problem solving.

I attended regular counselling for the first few years after my marriage ended. This helped me look at myself and take responsibility for my part. It also helped me to NOT  take responsibility for his part, which I had been prone to do.  I set some personal goals for self improvement and worked hard at making some changes.

I have been learning to identify,  value, and ask for what I need. This is still very hard for me at times, but I have improved in this area. I worked on some perspective shifts about my worth and allowing myself to be vulnerable and shine. I have worked on being more assertive and setting boundaries.  I have identified some codependent traits and am working on overcoming those.  I am learning to be more comfortable with conflict, and stand my ground when I need to.  I am learning about my true nature. ..my authentic self… and learning to accept and embrace that without judgment.

All of that is a work in progress, with a long way to go. But, when I look back to who I was in my marriage, there is no question about how much I have grown.

So many people have commented on what a different person I am since my marriage ended. I am often told I seem so much happier, at peace, and seem to have more fun. It’s true…. I do, and I am!

I ran into a relative I haven’t seen in years recently.  She told me I always had a worn out and worried look on my face before.  But she commented now that I looked so relaxed and happy! It was so encouraging to hear that.

I do have a lot of self respect now. I have had to overcome a lot of obstacles in the past few years. I took responsibility for myself, my kids, and creating the best new life I could for us. I have made plenty of mistakes and stumbled a lot. But, I have done my best and given it all I could.

It’s up to me.

The Painful Reality

It was difficult for me to come to the realization that the man I had loved was toxic for me. I had spent many years rationalizing and justifying so many unhealthy dynamics in his life, in our marriage, and in our family. To finally face the truth was very hard for me, but very freeing.

It helped me, and continues to help me, to remember that he has positive qualities and good in him. But, that doesn’t mean it is healthy for me to be in a relationship with him.

Right now, I am struggling with how my adult children are being affected by this. My sons have each, on their own time lines, and in their own ways, made decisions to not have contact with their Dad. I can understand their reasons and why these are healthy choices for them.

My daughter is another story. She feels sorry for her Dad and doesn’t understand why her brothers can’t just forgive and move on. She spends time with her Dad and comes back angry at us and sad for her Dad.

I walk a delicate tight rope of trying to hear her and support her, while sharing the painful reality of why her brothers and I have made the choices we have.

I wish it was different.  I wish my kids didn’t have to experience this pain.

But, it is what it is, and it is painful for all of us.

I will continue walking that delicate tight rope, and will do my best to honor the truth as I know it. I will continue to unconditionally love each of my kids in their own unique journey through this. I pray for wisdom and strength to respond in healthy ways to their pain. I  feel inadequate for this job sometimes….mothering these amazing but wounded young adults through this.  But, I was blessed to be given this job, so I will do my best.

God, give me strength and wisdom.

It’s My Story

I have been feeling a nudging to start this blog for some time. I  knew it would be therapeutic for me to write about my story, and I also sensed that it would be helpful to others.

There was one thing that stopped me.

Fear.

It is a very vulnerable experience to own a painful story and tell it. A huge part of my journey has been to look at myself, my part in my story,  and to take responsibility for that. That is not an easy thing to do. I have come a long way, and it is my intention to continue that journey.

But, my fear was more than that. I was still afraid of my former husband finding out and being angry. That was a fear I knew all to well.  That fear had been my constant companion for over twenty years. A huge part of my healing has been working on overcoming these fears.

My kids have talked with me about how they remember their dad making it very clear that we were not to talk to anyone about what goes on in our home. I remember that too. I felt very restricted in my interactions with friends and family and kept everyone at arms length.  I was afraid people would see the truth….that our family was not as it appeared to be and that I was failing to somehow make everything okay.

When the crisis my marriage was in became clear to me, my former husband gave me permission to only speak to one person about it, his sister. But, I  was so broken and struggling so much with what to do, that I couldn’t maintain the facade with my closest friend.  One day while going for a walk with her, I broke down and told her what was going on.  She was wonderfully supportive and very concerned.

My friend had only seen the charming, funny, intelligent side of my ex, and so she didn’t even think twice when she phoned later that night to check on me, to say to him when he answered the phone, “I hear you are having a rough time. I’m sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. ”

My ex handed me the phone with a glare and said “She knows?” in a raged whisper. I nodded and quickly made small talk with my friend to finish the conversation.  She knew something was very wrong by my response as well as his. But, from the public persona she knew of him, her comment should have been well received.

After I hung up, I got yelled at about how wrong that was and I had no right to share with my friend.

I was given the message that I had wronged him terribly, even though I knew this friend was trustworthy and would keep it confidential.

This is only one of many incidents that created this deeply rooted fear in me to tell my story.

I have no desire to hurt anyone, to create trouble, or to seek any form of revenge.

I intend only to speak the truth in terms of my story because I know,  from personal experience that this can be healing for others. I know this, because that is what happened for me.

When I was coming to terms with what was happening in my marriage, I joined an online forum and read other people’s stories. I could be anonymous and seek help and support.  I learned I was not alone and I was jarred into seeing the truth of my situation for what it was.  I became strong enough to stop excusing and rationalizing completely unacceptable behavior.  I got stronger and was able to do what I needed to do for myself and my kids.

If one person who reads this has a similar experience,  it is worth overcoming my fears.

This is my story. It’s mine to tell.

Dear Me

A blog I follow recently posted a challenge to other bloggers to write a letter to our 14 year old selves. Challenge accepted. 🙂

Dear 14 year old Me,

You are a beautiful person.  You don’t need to cringe at that.  It’s okay to see your inner and outer beauty.  It’s not sinful or bad to do so. As a matter of fact, because you are so concerned about that, you will spend most of your youth trying to hide in the shadows and make yourself smaller. Oh Lisa, please don’t do that.  By doing so, you lose yourself and so many gifts that you have to offer others remain hidden too. You are going to have three amazing children and they are happiest when they see you shine. That will teach them how to shine too. They need to know how to do that in a healthy way.

The most important thing I want you to know is this:

YOU

ARE

ENOUGH.

Don’t argue that point. I know you are running through all the inadequacies you see in yourself in your mind right now.  Stop.

You are enough. Just as you are. Period.

You don’t have to be perfect.  You will make plenty of mistakes and that’s okay.  It is more than okay.  Because,  if you choose to,  you will allow those mistakes to teach you some of the most valuable life lessons you need.

Some people in your life will give you messages that you are not enough. It will be communicated to you that if you could just change who you are, someone else could be happier.  Please don’t buy into those lies. You are enough. Just as you are. If someone doesn’t see that, that’s on them.

Surround yourself with people who see your worth.  Surround yourself with people who are wanting to learn and grow and have compassion for others.

Don’t get so hung up on all the “rules” of life. Don’t worry so much about what other people think about you. Please be as compassionate and accepting of yourself as you are of others. Allow other people’s opinions to belong to them and not affect your inner peace.  It’s okay to have your own opinion.  Stand your ground on what really,  truly matters to you. Especially with those closest to you.  Your values and your opinion are just as valid as anyone else.

You will need to stand up for your children.  You are going to need to be strong. You need to know now that you DO have the strength you will need. You can do it.

Trust your intuition, Lisa.  You have a very trustworthy intuition.  You will second guess yourself, but please don’t.  It will steer you in the direction of a career you will love and it will bring you to people who will bless your life tremendously.

Trust yourself.

Lastly, have fun! The things you worry about hardly ever happen.  And, even when they do, it’s always okay. You are resourceful and resilient and you always find a way. So, relax. Enjoy life! Don’t stop singing and don’t stop writing.

Life is good and beautiful and full of adventure.  Please don’t lose sight of that on the difficult days.

Keep your heart soft. That’s who you are. You will always be soft, and kind hearted. Embrace who you are and love yourself without judgment the way you love others.  Life is so much better when you do that.

Start each day with gratitude for all your blessings.

There will always be good in your life and you will be happier when you remember to see that.

You are going to have a great life if you choose to see it that way.

Love,
The Older Me