Tag Archive | Moving on

Honouring My Story

When I read the above quote, I felt so full of gratitude.  First, to God, whose love and guidance I always felt ….even in my darkest days. Secondly, to myself…to the strong and resilient woman within that I didn’t even know existed before. And also to my support system of family and friends who stood by me and saw me through so many challenges. 

I do honour my story. Not because it was good….it wasn’t.  But, because it is a story of faith, and strength, and hope. I know life will always be full of challenges,  but I also know so much more now about my ability to handle them, and to trust God.

I am feeling so incredibly blessed and grateful right now. My painful journey has brought me to a place of peace with my life and excitement for my future.

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To defend or let go….

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My ex-husband’s grandmother passed away. I chose not to attend the funeral, and my sons made the same choice. My daughter attended and said it was nice. Apparently, my ex-husband gave the eulogy. This was the main reason my sons chose not to attend.  They said they would find it difficult to stomach listening to him.  I am at peace with my decision,  and my boys seem to be as well. I have encouraged them to do what they feel is right. I told them we will honor her in our own way.

Right now, I am sorting through something in regard to my former mother in law.  It has come to my attention that she apparently understands the three of us not attending the funeral, but is hurt that we did not express our condolences to her on her loss.

To put this into context,  my ex-husband has apparently denied his behaviors that led to our divorce and has painted a picture of being an innocent victim to his mother.  For the last six years, I have let that slide. I came to the realization years ago that it doesn’t matter.  I know the truth, and people who know me well know the truth.

However,  this recent information has brought it forward again for me.  It has been the healthiest choice for me to distance myself from my ex and his family as much as possible.  For me, even expressing condolences pulls me back on to a circle of dysfunction I fought hard to free myself from. Yet, I  found those old messages coming back to haunt me. ..that I’m always in the wrong, always screwing up, can’t do anything right. My former mother in law criticized me on many levels frequently over 20 years.

I can’t genuinely say I’m particularly sorry for her loss. It isn’t only her loss. It’s my kids’ loss.  It’s my loss. It’s the world’s loss.  I’m genuinely sorry for all of those losses.

But hers? Not so much. Does that make me cold?  I don’t know. But, what I do know is that feels authentic.  And it makes me feel strong where I once felt weak.

Letting Go

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I find letting go to be a challenge!

I know that I am a deep thinker and deep feeler.  I have a tendency to process my emotions and my thoughts at great length and for a long time. I think this is because of the high standards I tend to hold myself to and my continuous desire to improve myself.

But, this is often not helpful.  It holds me back from embracing what the present moment has to offer. It holds me back from becoming all I am meant to be.

My goal is to let go. My goal is to embrace the now. My goal is to become.

What is past is past.  I can’t change anything that happened to cause me pain….whether inflicted by others or by myself. It’s done.

Right now holds opportunities and possibilities.  Nothing will be perfect, including myself. But, much can be good. There is so much good to look forward to.

There are new possibilities in my life. It is exciting.  It is scary.  It is supposed to be both.

I am letting go of the past so that I am free to see what those possibilities may bring.  Whatever that may be, I can handle it. If there is anything I have learned,  it’s that I can handle it.

Courageous

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I must admit, I am getting tired of this particular courage.

But, what is the alternative?  It would be to hide, to avoid,  to never love again.  That is not who I am.

So, I will keep being brave. And when I am being hurt again, I will  let go….again.

Maybe one day there will be a risk that is worth it. Maybe not. I just know I can’t live without taking those risks. It’s who I am.

I’m ready

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I feel a shift happening.

I am shifting from sadness into an openness. …a readiness for the new.

I really have done a lot of work on myself. I have done my best to honestly examine myself and work on making positive,  healthy changes.

I know there is always ongoing work to do, and I am good with that.

But, at this time, I know abundant blessings are available to me and coming my way.  I have already been blessed so much. And there is more to come.

I am open.

I am ready.

It’s time. 🙂

Putting one foot in front of the other

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Yesterday was such an interesting day.

I am continuing to battle waves of sadness about the end of my relationship.  But, I am also getting stronger every day.

I was also feeling deep concern about a friend yesterday who had something very big happening in her life. My thoughts were continously on her and many prayers were being offered for her.

Then, in the midst of one huge wave of sadness and concern, I  noticed a notification on my phone that I had been tagged in a post by a dear friend.  When I read the post, I was in awe at the timing. Her unexpected tribute to me shocked me, but was just what my heart needed at just the right time. My friend has an amazing talent to use words to create such beauty and power and to move hearts. I am so incredibly honored and humbled by her words.  And so incredibly grateful that she most likely listened to a nudging to write that just when it was most needed. That is divine love.

It has helped me regain some perspective.  I can let my thoughts get stuck in my old story that somehow I am not enough. That is why I have been reminding myself on this blog that I AM ENOUGH.

To have someone else so eloquently and beautifully remind me of the gifts I bring to this world, reinforced that for me. It reminded me that I AM ENOUGH.

Thank you, my dear friend.  You bring divine light and love to my life, more than you know.

So, today….there are more waves of sadness.  And ongoing concern for my friend.  But, I am breathing, and I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am approaching a corner, and who knows what is around the bend?

I am believing for good things. And in the meantime, remembering to let my light shine in all the dark places, including the ones in my own heart.

Creating Something New

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I knew for awhile now that change was coming in my life. I knew, because my spirit was getting weary from my heart  and mind at war.

I knew because I had been there before.  That awful, heart sinking sensation that happens when you know the person you love is either not willing or not able to meet your needs.

I decided to stop fighting.  But, because I had been fighting for awhile, my spirit is still weary. I imagine it will be for a while.  I will be patient and kind to myself while I bounce back.

The great thing I have learned about these experiences,  is that when you stop fighting, and choose to focus on the new, the bounce back comes more easily.

So, I am moving on. I am thinking about goals and dreams for my next chapter.  I grieve as I need to, but I won’t let myself get stuck there.

A new chapter can be exciting!  Who knows what the future holds? I believe there is an abundance of good coming my way. I am open to that and I welcome that. I also believe in my ability to handle the inevitable challenges that will come as well.

Here’s to creating new beginnings!