Tag Archive | Self care

Be Patient

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Ahhhh yes…..how I long for calmness and peace.

I am feeling disappointed that I made the decision to postpone a vacation I was going to take. I was going to go on vacation alone. That was a pretty courageous step for me.

However, I am recovering from whiplash from a minor car accident a few weeks ago and it’s not a good time for me to do that much driving.  Also, there is a lot happening with my kids and I feel better to be here for them right now.

It is disappointing, but I know I will still go….just not yet. I will take the time off for me and to find my place of calmness within. I will be patient. My vacation is coming.

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Patient and Tough

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I have no doubt that this is a true statement.

I am usually pretty good at being patient. I am a “go with the flow” kind of person.  That can be good or challenging,  depending on the circumstances.  One of the “good” aspects is my ability to be patient. Okay, I have that working for me.

Oh….but to be tough. That is not something I am good at. There is a difference between being strong and being tough. People often tell me I’m strong. Although I have not always felt very strong,  when I reflect back I can see my strength.  I do seem to find some place of resilience within me to draw on in hard times. I’m thankful for that.

But being tough is something else. I am emotionally sensitive.  It is the way I am wired….always have been, always will be. I am meant to be who I am.  My emotional sensitivity is a gift in many ways. But, it does not make it easy for me to be tough.

I have really been struggling emotionally for months. I have been reflecting, thinking,  processing. …trying to sort out why I have been struggling. There are some very logical reasons that are definitely part of the picture.  But, it’s more than that.

I have recently realized I am absorbing a lot of the pain and emotions of people in my life. There are some people I love dearly who are dealing with very difficult circumstances.  I feel surrounded by it.

It is one of those seasons. It is something outside my control. I wouldn’t have it any other way but to make myself available for those I love.

The trouble is that no one in my life knows what I carry personally.  People in my life share with me and seek support from me, but do so confidentially. So, I  can’t share with my support system all that I carry.

I have realized only recently that I have been emotionally overwhelmed and absorbing people’s pain. In my professional life, I have no trouble  separating myself from other’s emotions. But when I am invested in caring for people in my personal life, that is a much harder thing to do.

The result is I have been “checking out” emotionally in order to cope. But people I love suffer for that. One friend, in particular, who is dealing with far more trying circumstances than anything I face, has been neglected by me during this time. And that breaks my heart.  It’s a vicious cycle. These are the times it would be nice to have a supportive partner to lean on. Some of what feels the most emotionally intense for me right now has to do with my kids. And I am on my own. So, I carry on. 

The difficulty with sharing this is that some of my dear friends read this blog. Please don’t stop sharing with me! It is up to me to set boundaries and take care of myself. That is 100% my responsibility.  It is also 100% my responsibility to ask for what I need when I need support or space or time for me. I am working on that.

The point is….I sure don’t feel tough. I feel vulnerable.  I am not sure what tough is like. I guess I will find my own way to be tough….and maybe that comes through carrying on as I always do.

I know this season won’t last forever. I also know there is a purpose to this season, and much that I am meant to learn through this. I am doing my best to remain open to that learning.  I hope this season won’t be too long, and I will see the lessons soon.

Hope

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I have hope.

I have hope for the future.

I have hope for tomorrow.

I have hope for creating a home environment that is stable and secure and family oriented.

I have hope for having a home my kids can come back to with partners and kids for special occasions and every day visits.

I have hope for my kids to have healthy, happy relationships and families and careers.

I have hope to continue my education and continue to enjoy my career.

I have hope that I will travel and enjoy experiencing some of the beautiful and interesting places on this planet.

I have hope that I will continue to meet interesting people who enrich my life and expand my horizons.

I have hope that I will one day meet a man who thinks I am worth fighting for and committing to,  and who will join me in building these dreams together.

I  have hope for a bright and happy future, and if that is alone, I know I will be happy.

I have hope, faith, and trust in the life I deserve. I have hope in my ability to help create that and in a loving God.

I have hope.

Free to Be Me

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I  have been on an interesting journey of self acceptance and self compassion.  It has been, at the same time, the most freeing and empowering journey,  while also being terrifying and challenging.

I am learning a lot about my true nature and who I am at my core. Instead of the constant judgements and recriminations I used to berate myself with, I am working on embracing who I am and learning to work with that.

I am learning that I function best when I take things slowly and take the time to plan and think through what I need to do. I used to judge myself so harshly for that. It seems to me that we live in a society that values the ambitious, decisive go-getters.  I value having people like that in my life too. We need them.

But, we also need the thinkers and planners. We need the ones who are behind the scenes considering every angle and taking action at a pace that works for them. People like me. We need to value those people too. I  need to value those people too. I need to value me.

My ex-husband often criticized this about me. He told me often that he needed me to be more decisive and action oriented. I  accepted his perspective that I was flawed in this way. I tried very hard for over twenty years to change my nature. I kept trying. I would get so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t make myself be different.  I struggled with anxiety and a constant sense of dislike towards myself.  I  developed patterns of self talk that were mean and even cruel towards myself.

In reality, when I work with my true nature…when I give myself time to think, consider, plan…. I  make good decisions and I accomplish a lot. Decisions that need to be made are made and I feel at peace with them. Actions that need to be taken are taken, within time frames that feel comfortable to me. There is no anxiety and no mean self talk. There is peace.

I have this week off from work. I had such ambitious plans for what I wanted to get done. But, instead I have been doing a lot of relaxing, thinking, journaling, reading, and planning. I found myself starting some mean self talk again. I am so glad I caught myself doing that. I don’t need to answer to anyone about how I spend my time. I am not going to be disapproved of any more. I am not going to be criticized any more. Unless I do it to myself! I  deserve better. I  deserve to love myself for who I am and value my true nature.

It has slowly dawned on me that what I need more than anything right now is exactly what I have been doing. It is not lazy to give my body,  mind, and spirit time to rest, reflect, and just be. It is healthy.

If I am true to that, the things I want to accomplish will get done ….at a time and pace that feels good to me. That will be much healthier and much more fulfilling for me.

Ahhhh….that  feels so much better. I am going to make some tea and go back to my book now. 🙂

The Wishing…

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I was doing some tidying today and found my journal from last year. I am going to share my entry from November 8, 2014:

You know what is exhausting?

It is the wishing.

The wishing that none of the last five years had happened.

But, they did.

The husband I loved, the man I gave all of myself to in every way, betrayed me in every way.

My world was shattered.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

My children’s innocence, their belief in the stability and security of our family, was stolen.

They have struggled ever since.

I have struggled ever since.

And he has struggled ever since.

Yet, it can not be put back together again.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men…

Forever broken.

Forever.

And the pain…

It is still there, for all of us.

Yes, I have mostly healed.

Yes, I have moved on.

I have found a wonderful and amazing man who truly loves me in ways I have never experienced before… not ever.

The kids have accepted it.

Yet… there is still pain.

I imagine there always will be.

This is not the way it was supposed to be.

The dreams of a young woman… for life long love and an intact family… children raised with never wavering security…

All gone.

And so…

The wishing.

I NEED to stop the wishing.

The wishing hurts so much.

It keeps me back, keeps me pushed down, locked in a prison of pain.

No more wishing.

What is done, is done.

What happened, happened.

It is what it is.

I have learned, grown, and, in some ways even blossomed.

The kids will be okay, eventually.

They have struggled, but they will never be naive and sheltered. They are not judgmental.

Life can be beautiful on the other side of pain.

Family is still family.

Newly formed, pulled together…

It can be good.

No more wishing.

Instead:

Accepting.

Embracing.

Expecting.

Loving.

Giving again.

New and different.

Life with Hope.

It’s The Way It Is

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Twenty-five years ago today, I made vows that I meant with every fiber of my being.

Six years ago today, I was told “I didn’t ever love you, not even on our wedding day”. (This was recently apologized for and recanted, but five years later, after the damage was well done).

Five years ago today, I was living in my parents’ basement with two hurting teenagers, and had a very intense and powerful counselling session in which I chose to redefine this day as my anniversary of commitment to loving myself.

So, Happy Anniversary to Me! ❤

Yes, I am sad today. But, I am also at peace.  I choose to recognize my own worth and I choose to be loving to myself.

Aha Moment

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I have been really down today.

I was trying to figure out why and was coming to some conclusions that I knew didn’t sit right with me.

I  just went for a walk, and that’s when it dawned on me.

Tomorrow would have been my 25th wedding anniversary.

Ouch.

Even though it has been years now, and I don’t miss him or the marriage anymore ….there is sadness.  The sadness is about the loss of the dream. I always thought there would be a wonderful 25th anniversary celebration.  I am Facebook friends with two other couples who got married the same year.  I  remember attending their weddings.  They are still together and seem happy. I  have watched their posts about the celebrations they have been having. I think the sadness has been building for a few weeks as I have been watching this.

It’s all part of the healing process.  I know I did what I needed to do for myself and my kids.  I have no regrets about that. But, the grieving goes on, in layers, year after year.

At least I  can make sense of the heavy heart I was feeling.  Just that realization helps me breathe a little easier. And it is preventing me from letting that emotion come out towards someone or something else when that’s not where it belongs.

One more hurdle to jump over. Keep breathing and moving forward. As always, it will be okay.