I was doing some tidying today and found my journal from last year. I am going to share my entry from November 8, 2014:
You know what is exhausting?
It is the wishing.
The wishing that none of the last five years had happened.
But, they did.
The husband I loved, the man I gave all of myself to in every way, betrayed me in every way.
My world was shattered.
Nothing would ever be the same again.
My children’s innocence, their belief in the stability and security of our family, was stolen.
They have struggled ever since.
I have struggled ever since.
And he has struggled ever since.
Yet, it can not be put back together again.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men…
And the pain…
It is still there, for all of us.
Yes, I have mostly healed.
Yes, I have moved on.
I have found a wonderful and amazing man who truly loves me in ways I have never experienced before… not ever.
The kids have accepted it.
Yet… there is still pain.
I imagine there always will be.
This is not the way it was supposed to be.
The dreams of a young woman… for life long love and an intact family… children raised with never wavering security…
I NEED to stop the wishing.
The wishing hurts so much.
It keeps me back, keeps me pushed down, locked in a prison of pain.
No more wishing.
What is done, is done.
What happened, happened.
It is what it is.
I have learned, grown, and, in some ways even blossomed.
The kids will be okay, eventually.
They have struggled, but they will never be naive and sheltered. They are not judgmental.
Life can be beautiful on the other side of pain.
Family is still family.
Newly formed, pulled together…
It can be good.
No more wishing.
New and different.
Life with Hope.