Letting go of “if only’s”

I am having trouble maintaining a healthy perspective about my kids and my role as a mom to adults. I am aware that I am battling some unhealthy perspectives, yet can’t seem to quite win the battle these days.

I watch them struggle.  This week has included some emotionally intense situations for all three. I find myself filled with so much remorse and regret about the past and everything they have been through.  I know that is wasted emotional energy. But, it’s so hard not to see my mistakes and failings and wish I had done some things differently.  It’s just so, so, so darn painful! It has hurt so much this week, that I have found myself just wishing I could run away from it all for awhile.

I keep trying to be their anchor in all the storms that keep coming their way. But, it’s not enough. They keep struggling.  

I have to believe and hold on to the hope that things will get better for them at some point. My oldest is almost there. He has matured enough that he is making really healthy choices for himself. The other two….well, time will tell.

Thank God for the wonderful man in my life as well as friends and family who are incredibly supportive. They keep telling me I’m a good mom and have done the best I could. I hear them. I know they mean it. I wonder why it is so hard for me to see and believe that? Sometimes I can. But, lately….not so much. 

This is one of those things I need to surrender.  It is more than I can do on my own. I keep praying.  I keep surrendering. I keep hoping.