Archive | September 2015

Just Present

image

I just came back from a weekend away with the women in my book club. I am reflecting on how good the weekend was for me in so many ways.

There is just something about the company of women that is so very good for the heart and soul of other women.  We understand each other and instinctively know when to hug each other, cry together, laugh over ridiculous things, or just be present.

Just. Be. Present.

That is the most powerful thing we do for one another.

We listen. We make eye contact. We put our phones down. We are there.

I am blessed to know some amazing, strong, intelligent, and compassionate women. I am blessed by their presence in my life.

I feel strengthened and filled by their loving presence.

What a gift!

Love too much

image

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself for this.  There are times when I feel like it would be safer to be more cautious with my love.

But….I don’t work that way. When I love, it is with all of me, and completely.  Even when I don’t want to. It’s just the way my heart works.

It is the deepest desire of my heart….to love and be loved.  All of my life, it is what I have searched for.

I recall realizing a few years into marriage that I was not loved as fiercely and deeply as I loved him. Since then, I have searched, had glimmers of hope and potential. …but it has yet to be returned.

I am not giving up on that dream. It is what makes me most happy. I am happy, but happy with something missing. And I don’t regret loving so much. I loved with all of me, for the times that were there and gone. Good came of my love. I know that, and I am glad for that.

So I am not going to stop loving deeply. I am not going to put limits on my heart. Yes, I am going to do my best to be smart about it.  But, I am not giving up. 

In the meantime,  my kids, friends, family, and myself are going to get the overflow. .. all the love inside that needs somewhere to go!

Love is what it is all about.

I still have my dream 🙂

Go Through It

image

Okay, I know the truth of this. But, it still is something I try to avoid and run away from.

I am reminding myself that pain serves a purpose.  There is something to be learned. There is growth that we would not experience without the pain.

Thank you to my dear friend who spent many hours with me yesterday,  allowing me a safe and loving place to go straight through some pain headlong.  Because of her friendship, I could stay with it long enough to feel it and process it.  That helps me to get to the other side of it where healing is available for me.

I know I am learning a lot right now, and I know there is so much growth happening for me. I know the pain is a necessary part of that.

By talking about and writing about it, I can move through it and not get stuck. I can feel that happening now.

Thank you, my friend.  ❤

Start

image

I used to hide when I was overwhelmed or afraid. The truth is, sometimes I still do. The way I hide is to put on the armor of perfect appearances. You don’t have to be vulnerable if everyone thinks you are doing great and your world is perfectly in order. And,  if you are not vulnerable,  you won’t get hurt. Right?

Wrong.

Wow, did it ever take me a long time to figure that out.

Sure, maybe others don’t challenge you,  criticize you or attack you when you’ve got that armor on. And, even if they do, you pretend you don’t care any way.

But, you also don’t experience the joy of true intimacy. You don’t know the exquisitely deep, satisfying knowing that comes when your heart is truly connected to another’s.

You are left with a gnawing dissatisfaction,  a hollow emptiness that you don’t even understand.

Then, you want to fill that with something. …work, accolades, hobbies,  addictions, distactions,  relationships…

None of that works.

We are meant to be filled with love.

First, divine love….the only love that is truly unconditional.

Then, by the vulnerable, painful, and exquisitely joyful love of honoring the self we were created to be and the others that we have been blessed with in our lives.

So start.

Take those first trembling steps towards that kind of love.

Take action.

Engage in spiritual practices that honor divine love.

Engage in practices of self care and self compassion.

Engage in practices of compassion for others.

Reach out to those in your life who are gifts to you. Thank them. Do something for them. Hug them. Kiss them. Tell them how amazing they are.

Start.

Taking Chances

image

It is true that I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I have set some personal goals to push myself out of my comfort zone to allow for new growth and change.

Fear can be such a barrier.  It can stop us from experiencing the blessings that are meant for us. I have been reflecting on how I have allowed that in my life.

It is so easy for me to play it safe. In some ways, I  have done that all my life.  I don’t want to live that way anymore.  Yes, it is still important to exercise wisdom and have healthy boundaries.  But, I think it is possible to do that and also push myself out of my comfort zone.

This blog is part of that. It makes me feel vulnerable.  I am singing again.  That makes me feel vulnerable.  I am dating again.  That makes me feel vulnerable.  And yet, those things also spark a sense of joy, fun, possibility,  and creativity.  I feel alive. I feel hope. I  believe for the future.

Taking chances,  within healthy boundaries,  is what life is all about.

I’m ready

image

I feel a shift happening.

I am shifting from sadness into an openness. …a readiness for the new.

I really have done a lot of work on myself. I have done my best to honestly examine myself and work on making positive,  healthy changes.

I know there is always ongoing work to do, and I am good with that.

But, at this time, I know abundant blessings are available to me and coming my way.  I have already been blessed so much. And there is more to come.

I am open.

I am ready.

It’s time. 🙂

Putting one foot in front of the other

image

Yesterday was such an interesting day.

I am continuing to battle waves of sadness about the end of my relationship.  But, I am also getting stronger every day.

I was also feeling deep concern about a friend yesterday who had something very big happening in her life. My thoughts were continously on her and many prayers were being offered for her.

Then, in the midst of one huge wave of sadness and concern, I  noticed a notification on my phone that I had been tagged in a post by a dear friend.  When I read the post, I was in awe at the timing. Her unexpected tribute to me shocked me, but was just what my heart needed at just the right time. My friend has an amazing talent to use words to create such beauty and power and to move hearts. I am so incredibly honored and humbled by her words.  And so incredibly grateful that she most likely listened to a nudging to write that just when it was most needed. That is divine love.

It has helped me regain some perspective.  I can let my thoughts get stuck in my old story that somehow I am not enough. That is why I have been reminding myself on this blog that I AM ENOUGH.

To have someone else so eloquently and beautifully remind me of the gifts I bring to this world, reinforced that for me. It reminded me that I AM ENOUGH.

Thank you, my dear friend.  You bring divine light and love to my life, more than you know.

So, today….there are more waves of sadness.  And ongoing concern for my friend.  But, I am breathing, and I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am approaching a corner, and who knows what is around the bend?

I am believing for good things. And in the meantime, remembering to let my light shine in all the dark places, including the ones in my own heart.