Loving Who I Am

This has been such an important part of my healing journey.  What my ex-husband did to me and how he treated me will never be right or okay. But, without those experiences, I would never have become the person I am today.

I love who I am today!

I am still always growing and learning and working on myself.  But, I have learned so much about myself and who I am.  I am able to choose to live more from a place of authenticity and have people in my life who honor and respect that.

I have chosen to see the gifts in what I went through. That is so freeing. I am thankful. 

Building Bridges

I recently had a realization that was so sudden and so clear that I was shocked it hadn’t occurred to me before.  For some time, I have been struggling with feeling in the middle. I feel in the middle of people I love who have opposing viewpoints and beliefs. In addition, I had been feeling pressure to choose a side. I had heard messages that the only way to support people is by taking a stand and being vocal about that.

Then….a sudden epiphany happened for me. Is taking a stand and being vocal really the only way to be an ally for marginalized people?  Really? Says who?

What if….just what if….we are each called to be an ally and a support according to our true nature and our gifts?

What if there are a myriad of ways to be an ally? 

There are definitely people who are very gifted at taking a bold, sure stand.  There are definitely people gifted with the boldness to step out and speak out with words that cut to the heart of the matter and shake up people’s comfort zones. 

God bless those people!  We need them desperately! 

But, I am not one of them. And I have been making myself sick with stress and worry about it.

I am a builder of bridges between the people who stand with bold determination on one bank….and the people who stand with equally bold determination on the opposite bank.

I mediate, I connect, I build bridges with love. This is my true nature. In order to do this, I choose not to alienate either. I choose not to speak out, but to hear and understand. 

When I give myself permission to be who I am,  I find peace. There is nothing wrong with my gifts. My gifts are needed too. It is people like me who help the people on either side hear each other and create a safe space for them to meet and find common ground.

Is that not being an ally as well? I believe it is.

And I can breathe again. 

Welcome Back

I keep experiencing the importance of being true to myself.  It feels like this season is about understanding more deeply who I am and embracing that. As I know myself better, I am making decisions that are more aligned with my true self. The result is that, at this moment, I am feeling more at peace than I have in many, many years. I had a moment today when I found myself crying tears of happiness that I feel so at peace. 

Welcome back.

True Intimacy

Part of my forgiveness process regarding my ex-husband involved understanding this concept. I came to understand that he was not capable of healthy love and true intimacy. I am guessing he probably wanted to love me….and I think he did….to the extent that he could.

But, I remember so often through the course of the 20 years of marriage feeling so empty and unfulfilled.  I remember trying to look into his eyes or create deeper levels of connection and intimacy. …and it wouldn’t work. I used to blame myself, because I had become conditioned to believe things were almost always my fault.

However, having experienced deep, intimate connection with someone I love has made it so clear to me now. There is nothing wrong with my ability to love deeply and share true and fulfilling intimacy.  I have always been capable of this and have always done my part to create it.

My ex-husband was not able to join me there.  His woundedness runs too deep.  I am sad for him about this. I actually do pray for him regularly.  I do hope he will find the healing he needs. 

In the meantime, I am enjoying embracing who I am. …giving and receiving love and appreciating the incredible value of someone who can join me in that. It truly is a beautiful thing!

Hang On

This is so true. When I think about the challenges I have faced,  this has been true. There is that initial stage when it feels insurmountable.  During this stage, I remember feeling like I wouldn’t survive it. I remember when I first discovered my husband was having an affair.  I remember being curled into a ball on the bathroom floor,  sobbing into a towel so the kids wouldn’t hear.I remember begging God to get me through whatever was coming because of the kids.

Eventually, it got easier. I accepted the reality that my life was forever changed.  I adjusted to the decisions I had to make. I leaned on my support system. I kept living. I tried to be the best mom I could be. I chose to remember who I was.  I tried to find joy again. It got easier.

And eventually, the freedom came. I began to see clearly that I had been given a gift. I began to see my marriage for what it was, and my ex-husband for who he was. I began to see the white washed version I had created to cope with him and the marriage. I took off the rose colored glasses and looked at him with no lens to obscure the view.

That’s when I felt the freedom!  I had been set free from twenty years of being stuck in survival mode. I was allowed to be me again.  Sweet freedom came.

When I face ongoing challenges now…I try to remember this. I try to remember to hang on through that first part when change is hard. And then I try to remember that it gets easier.  And then I try to remember that freedom comes. Because I have learned that it always does when I am being true to myself.  Not everyone will understand the choices we need to make to be true to ourselves. But, the freedom will come. It always does.

Cheers!

This brought me joy today.

I choose to celebrate me, to honor myself, and to recognize all I have overcome and accomplished.

It is good to celebrate ourselves and honor ourselves.  It is an act of self compassion and self love. And, if there is one thing I have learned,  it is that the most loving thing I can do for my loved ones is to love myself first. I can’t give from an empty vessel. 

I really have come through some tough times. The tough times haven’t ended. There are new challenges and old ones resurfacing.  But, I am strong and I overcome. 

So….cheers to me! I encourage you to raise a glass or a mug to yourself today as well. Cheers to you!

All Good Things

It has certainly taken a long time for me to realize and embrace this truth. 

But, I do believe it. It has been a long, hard road in many ways to get here. And, my journey continues. As I grow and embrace these truths, much good has come my way. My path gets smoother, straighter, and wider with each blessing I see and celebrate in my life. The people, the experiences, the lessons, the opportunities. …they all keep me moving forward on a path for my highest good. 

I am excited to see what my path will lead me to next!