Tag Archive | relationships

True Intimacy 

Part of my forgiveness process regarding my ex-husband involved understanding this concept. I came to understand that he was not capable of healthy love and true intimacy. I am guessing he probably wanted to love me….and I think he did….to the extent that he could.

But, I remember so often through the course of the 20 years of marriage feeling so empty and unfulfilled.  I remember trying to look into his eyes or create deeper levels of connection and intimacy. …and it wouldn’t work. I used to blame myself, because I had become conditioned to believe things were almost always my fault.

However, having experienced deep, intimate connection with someone I love has made it so clear to me now. There is nothing wrong with my ability to love deeply and share true and fulfilling intimacy.  I have always been capable of this and have always done my part to create it.

My ex-husband was not able to join me there.  His woundedness runs too deep.  I am sad for him about this. I actually do pray for him regularly.  I do hope he will find the healing he needs. 

In the meantime, I am enjoying embracing who I am. …giving and receiving love and appreciating the incredible value of someone who can join me in that. It truly is a beautiful thing!

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The Chaos and the Courage

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Anyone who knows me well knows I like calm. I like peace. I like gentleness.  People use these attributes to describe me. I long for these things.

Yet, my life has been a whirlwind with chaos and upheaval and change. Much of which has been brought into my life by choices I have made.

I need balance. It is good to have some excitement and some change. But the person I am finds too much of that exhausting.  I’m exhausted right now.

I am doing a lot of self reflecting.  Every choice I make in my life hugely affects my kids. They are adults, yes….but they still need me to continue setting the tone for our healing journey as a family. I have created some detours to that path which will take some recovery time for all of us. I didn’t intend to do that, but I did.

I am feeling the weight of that, and it’s a heavy burden.

I need to stay on that healing path and stay focused on that. My kids are watching for me to lead the way.  They need me to.

I know that I am also showing them, through my humanity and mistakes, that you can be strong and brave enough to change directions and course correct when necessary. I am not sure they see the good part of that right now, but I hope they will. We are learning and growing together as a family, and I am thankful that we have open and honest conversations together.

My story is not gentle and easy and smooth.  It is not peaceful and lovely. But, it is beautiful in its brokenness and stunning in its strength.

I pray that my story will speak of healing and hope and courage. And maybe….a peaceful chapter is coming. ….

The Lessons in Loving Myself

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Oh how quickly things can change.
I am always learning,  always growing.  The lessons are often painful, but always necessary.

In being true to myself and my needs, I have needed to do another letting go. I am struggling with frustration with myself for letting this happen.  But, I am also remembering self compassion and honoring the lessons that are coming through this.

Life is such an interesting journey.  I am still doing a lot of reflecting about this recent turn of events.  I know I did what was right for me, but it sure has come with some pain.  I guess the most important lessons usually do.

Freedom

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This has been one of the most empowering and enlightening insights in my healing journey.

When I was married, I felt continuous pressure to deny and hide true feelings and true thoughts. When I was bold enough to speak my truth, I was often told I was wrong and then corrected about what I really thought and felt. I remember once near the end of the marriage asking him, “how can you possibly know better than me what thoughts or feelings are inside me?” Without missing a beat he answered confidently, “because I know you better than you know yourself”.

The arrogance! I cringe now when I think about how I slowly allowed that to be my reality….to be manipulated into believing he knew better than I did about everything, including myself!

Life is so different for me now…and so much better! I have chosen to eliminate or set boundaries with manipulative or abusive people. I choose to have those closest to me be people who love me for who I am and who value my thoughts and feelings, even if we differ in our perspectives. It is so freeing and feels so good to honor myself in that way!

I am still on my healing journey, but I am well on my way!

For My Friend ❤

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Yesterday I had a visit with a friend.  This post is for her.

I am amazed by my friend.  She is fighting a battle that I can only imagine. I listen to her experiences and I am simultaneously devastated and overwhelmed with awe.

All her life, my friend has been the strong one….always, in every situation.  She has a gift of seeing things for what they are with stark clarity. She sees through all the BS most of us allow ourselves to be falsely soothed by. She cannot help herself but to the speak the truth and hold a magnifying glass to a situation that others try to sweep under the rug. And, as long as I have known her, I have admired and often been very grateful for this gift.

My friend’s gift has been such a heavy burden for her to bear. Others often don’t want to know what she sees. And they certainly don’t want to have their own flaws pointed out.  My friend has often experienced pain in living out this gift in the world.

And now, my friend is not able to be the strong one. Yet, many in her life find it hard to think of her any other way. I have been guilty of this as well.  I can’t even imagine the vulnerability she must be feeling in the midst of fighting this battle and coping with her current circumstances.

But, I do know this: My friend’s gifts in this world continue to be desparately needed.  My friend has inspired me for most of my life, and I know she will continue to do so for the rest of it. I have never known anyone who can bring such clarity while doing so with love and laughter.  My conversations with her are always comforting, challenging, thought provoking, and healing.  We almost always share tears and laughter within a short span of time that always leaves me feeling better.

My friend,  I  see you. I appreciate you. I value you. I honor your worth. My life is infinitely better because you are in it. You have brought more into my life than I can find words to express.  I have and will fail you in my areas of weakness. …and for that I am so deeply sorry. But, I will always do my best to be who you need me to be.

Thank you for being my friend.  I love you. I am with you.

I Matter

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Why is this such a hard concept for me to truly believe about myself?

I don’t think this relates to my childhood, per se. I was a middle child…the peace maker type. I was born into this world with an emotionally sensitive nature that is deeply concerned for the comfort of others. Those factors contributed, I’m sure. But, my parents did not make me feel my needs were a burden to them. They were attentive and loving. If anything, they may have leaned towards spoiling us a bit, as they wanted us to have an easier life than they had.

But, my nature made me vulnerable to a charming, popular, good looking young man when I was 18 years old. My easy going nature made it easy to over look and forgive the times he was two hours late for a date or wouldn’t call me for days. The time he decided to work in a strip club as a DJ was expected to not be questioned because he was a Christian and would never do anything immoral. And on and on…..

We got married when I was 21 and our first son was born when I was 22. I was committed, loyal,  and believed we could create a loving family similar to what I had been blessed to grow up in.

So, when my ex quit a good paying full time job when I was pregnant the first time so he could go into Christian ministry, I was asked to support his calling. We had to fund raise his entire salary by asking friends and relatives to contribute to the ministry. So, I had to go back to work as soon as possible after our son was born.

This was just the start. If I went through every expectation placed on me throughout 20 years of marriage to put my needs aside to support his dreams,  this would be many pages long.

I did these things willingly, even though I  sacrificed much. I  believed he would be like my dad, and give just as much back. I waited and waited to see that….always convincing myself that eventually it would be my turn. But, he was always too stressed and overwhelmed and couldn’t believe I would be so selfish as to ask for anything from him knowing everything he was always going through.

This went on and worsened over the years. Over time, I came to believe I, and my needs, truly were a burden. I came to believe I did not matter. I remember feeling cognitive dissonance about this….knowing on one hand that everyone matters and everyone’s needs are important. …with living with the daily reality that this wasn’t true for me.

Having been on my own for over 5 years now, I have resolved a lot of those faulty beliefs. I get it on a cognitive level that I matter and my needs are not a burden to others.  But, this was deeply conditioned into my psyche and this conditioning plays out in so many areas of my life to this day.

When I am in a relationship, it takes tremendous courage for me to ask for what I need and overcome the anxiety that I will be in trouble for asking. I still expect to be punished with silent treatments or verbal reprimands.

With my friends,  I have to remind myself it is okay to make mistakes and also to ask for something.  I do know that they genuinely want me to be happy.

If I think I am going to create discomfort for someone,  it causes me fear and anxiety to speak up. I  still expect to be told I am being selfish. I am still often surprised when that doesn’t happen.

Even the simple act of checking in with people makes me feel like a bother. When I  call or text anyone, I still have to overcome the feeling that I am bothering them. It’s embarrassing to admit how often I have to say to myself,  “you are not a burden ” just to send a simple text.

I am making progress, but it is a long journey.

One step at a time.

Wake Up Call

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Sometimes, I am amazed at how dense I can be.  I have struggled with that all my life, and apparently the struggle is not going away any time soon.

I think we all understand the concept that our priorities should match our values. Yet, how many times in my life do I need a  slap in the face to recognize that is not what I am living out? Apparently at least one more time.

The most important lessons in life seem to often be the most painful.  I am fine with the fact that I often cause my own suffering when I make bad choices. But when I hurt someone else, there is just no excuse for that.

I am learning.  Painfully, I am growing.  I need to make changes in my life to make sure my priorities match my values. I also need to be more self aware, so I don’t disconnect from what’s happening around me, just because I am feeling overwhelmed.  I need to make a commitment to myself to stay tuned into my loved ones, no matter what is happening for me.

Knowing what I need to do and making the commitment to do it are my priorities.