I seem to be finding such a peace in accepting and loving myself just as I am. What a journey it has been! I cringe when I think of how I used to talk to myself. I now have a better understanding of my nature and my gifts. The challenges that I experience in who I am are so much easier to work with now. I think that’s the key. I am now working WITH rather than AGAINST myself. When I was so hard on myself in the past, I was in a state of resistance, fighting my very nature and wishing I could be someone different. Now….I choose to love all of me and see that who I am brings needed gifts to this world. The times when my nature creates challenges for me and my relationships can be approached with self compassion. I can take responsibility for mistakes and make amends and move forward. I am still working on this….but I’ve definitely made progress! I am feeling very grateful for this!
This brought me joy today.
I choose to celebrate me, to honor myself, and to recognize all I have overcome and accomplished.
It is good to celebrate ourselves and honor ourselves. It is an act of self compassion and self love. And, if there is one thing I have learned, it is that the most loving thing I can do for my loved ones is to love myself first. I can’t give from an empty vessel.
I really have come through some tough times. The tough times haven’t ended. There are new challenges and old ones resurfacing. But, I am strong and I overcome.
So….cheers to me! I encourage you to raise a glass or a mug to yourself today as well. Cheers to you!
My journey of self discovery has included a program called Dressing Your Truth. It is an energy profiling system that resonates with me and has helped me more than anything else I have ever found to understand and love myself. The above is part of the description of Type 2 energy….the soft, subtle energy type. It is me in every way. This has always been my nature.
All of my life, I have been criticized for….and beaten myself up for….not taking a stand, not speaking up. There are times when I should do so and have trouble. I am working on this.
But, I am finding a new freedom in embracing and understanding something about myself. On any given subject…unless it is a completely morally reprehensible one…. I can see, understand and even FEEL where people are coming from on various sides of an issue. I speak to someone who is firmly on one side….and I can meet them there. Then, I speak to someone on the opposite side, and am able to equally meet them there.
In the past, I would beat myself up terribly about this. I would think there was something wrong with me. I would judge myself with words like “weak”.
I am starting to understand that we type 2 people are often called on to bring our gift of being peacemakers and mediators. It is an important gift that is needed.
The difficulty is that sometimes someone I love will feel hurt or betrayed that I didn’t take a stand with them. I am hoping to get better at communicating to my loved ones what it is like for me.
If I take a stand with someone, it is against someone else whom I also love. I hear and feel both. I love both.
What I DO take a stand on is love. But, for me that means loving both.
When I feel pressured to stand against a loved one, I literally feel sick. Sometimes I get sick. It goes against my nature so strongly that it manifests in my body through pain, digestive issues, anxiety, etc.
It has taken me so long to understand this about myself. I now need to find ways to be able to communicate it when feeling pressured. Writing about it here is the first step towards that for me.
Wow. …just expressing that feels like it released a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe. I hope I can find ways to live my truth moving forward.
It seems to be my life long struggle not to be too hard on myself. I can’t remember a time…from my earliest memories of childhood to now…that I did not battle this. I’m not sure why….I guess it’s the way I’m wired.
I have to say, though, that I have improved in this area significantly. Now that I no longer experience the consistent blaming and criticism that was present in my marriage, it is easier for me to stop, reframe my thoughts, and be more fair to myself.
It’s interesting what will trigger this tendency. Today, it was seeing photos of my cousin’s daughter’s wedding. It was beautiful and fun and spiritual. I saw the photos of my cousin and her husband on either side of their glowing daughter in her wedding dress, beaming with pride and love. I saw the siblings of the bride gathered around her in support and love. I saw the extended family with all their intact marriages and happy families celebrating together.
I felt such happiness for all of them. And then a wave of grief crashed over me and flattened me with a ferocity I hadn’t seen coming.
It won’t ever be like that for me and my kids. It won’t. It doesn’t mean it can’t be good. I’m sure there will be many happy celebrations to come in our lives.
I don’t know if they will ever have a healed relationship with their dad that he will ever be part of those things.
And…the big question that nags in the back of my mind that I am always afraid to express….have my kids been too damaged that we won’t ever have those kinds of celebrations?
There, I said it. That’s my fear.
And that’s when I start beating myself up and feeling I’ve failed them.
I know that I did the best I could with what I knew while they were growing up. I really did the best I knew how to do. But…it doesn’t change the fact that they have been wounded and damaged.
I am doing the best I know how to do now to help them heal. It’s a long road for all of us. But, I’m applying what I’ve learned to being there for them now. I get discouraged at times with how long the road still seems to be. But, I have to trust.
We are all getting there. One step at a time. And, what will be, will be.
I knew for awhile now that change was coming in my life. I knew, because my spirit was getting weary from my heart and mind at war.
I knew because I had been there before. That awful, heart sinking sensation that happens when you know the person you love is either not willing or not able to meet your needs.
I decided to stop fighting. But, because I had been fighting for awhile, my spirit is still weary. I imagine it will be for a while. I will be patient and kind to myself while I bounce back.
The great thing I have learned about these experiences, is that when you stop fighting, and choose to focus on the new, the bounce back comes more easily.
So, I am moving on. I am thinking about goals and dreams for my next chapter. I grieve as I need to, but I won’t let myself get stuck there.
A new chapter can be exciting! Who knows what the future holds? I believe there is an abundance of good coming my way. I am open to that and I welcome that. I also believe in my ability to handle the inevitable challenges that will come as well.
Here’s to creating new beginnings!
I have been on an interesting journey of self acceptance and self compassion. It has been, at the same time, the most freeing and empowering journey, while also being terrifying and challenging.
I am learning a lot about my true nature and who I am at my core. Instead of the constant judgements and recriminations I used to berate myself with, I am working on embracing who I am and learning to work with that.
I am learning that I function best when I take things slowly and take the time to plan and think through what I need to do. I used to judge myself so harshly for that. It seems to me that we live in a society that values the ambitious, decisive go-getters. I value having people like that in my life too. We need them.
But, we also need the thinkers and planners. We need the ones who are behind the scenes considering every angle and taking action at a pace that works for them. People like me. We need to value those people too. I need to value those people too. I need to value me.
My ex-husband often criticized this about me. He told me often that he needed me to be more decisive and action oriented. I accepted his perspective that I was flawed in this way. I tried very hard for over twenty years to change my nature. I kept trying. I would get so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t make myself be different. I struggled with anxiety and a constant sense of dislike towards myself. I developed patterns of self talk that were mean and even cruel towards myself.
In reality, when I work with my true nature…when I give myself time to think, consider, plan…. I make good decisions and I accomplish a lot. Decisions that need to be made are made and I feel at peace with them. Actions that need to be taken are taken, within time frames that feel comfortable to me. There is no anxiety and no mean self talk. There is peace.
I have this week off from work. I had such ambitious plans for what I wanted to get done. But, instead I have been doing a lot of relaxing, thinking, journaling, reading, and planning. I found myself starting some mean self talk again. I am so glad I caught myself doing that. I don’t need to answer to anyone about how I spend my time. I am not going to be disapproved of any more. I am not going to be criticized any more. Unless I do it to myself! I deserve better. I deserve to love myself for who I am and value my true nature.
It has slowly dawned on me that what I need more than anything right now is exactly what I have been doing. It is not lazy to give my body, mind, and spirit time to rest, reflect, and just be. It is healthy.
If I am true to that, the things I want to accomplish will get done ….at a time and pace that feels good to me. That will be much healthier and much more fulfilling for me.
Ahhhh….that feels so much better. I am going to make some tea and go back to my book now. 🙂