I have been doing some pretty intense work on my inner world. I have been realizing how much fear has been playing a role in much of my decision making. I thought I had already done a lot of work in this area, but apparently there is lots more to do!
I am being intentional about checking in with myself on a regular basis and noticing when I have a fear response. Sometimes it is very clear, but most times it is very subtle. And I can rationalize it behind all kinds of reasons that sound perfectly logical. But, in reality, I am choosing fear and letting fear rule.
I don’t want to do that. I want to choose, act, live, love, be…. from a place of courage, openness, vulnerability, authenticity, LOVE.
It’s not easy. But, I am checking in with myself throughout each day….trying to catch myself responding to something in my life from fear….and shifting to a place of openness instead.
It’s a process. But, as I keep working on this, I feel lighter and more at peace.
I am open to the good in my life now and the good that is coming.
I have been thinking about our tendency as humans to do this…to allow our happiness to depend on someone else. Why is that? Why do we feel that we can’t be happy unless we find that one perfect person to love us? And then if we think we have, our happiness tanks when they inevitably hurt us, as they will.
The truth is, we do need people. We do need relationships. And most people find life more fulfilling with a partner. But, we cannot allow our happiness to depend on that. Even if we do manage to find someone compatible, emotionally healthy, with relationship skills, and the chemistry is mutual….that person is human. That person could leave, get sick, die, or change in significant ways. That person will go through hard times and not be there for us or experience changes in life that affect them deeply. There are so many unknowns in this world.
So, what is the answer? It is to find happiness for yourself first. Take care of yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. Take care of your health. Do what makes your heart sing. Do what makes your spirituality grow. Love yourself. Embrace all of you….the struggles and challenges, and the strengths and beauty within you.
If you are blessed to have someone come or stay alongside you to love you too….what a wonderful bonus! But please….don’t let your happiness depend on that person. Enjoy the moments and times of love. They are blessings. And in the other times, there is still so much happiness to be found.
Over the last six years I have made many concious decisions to forgive my ex-husband. But, forgiveness is a process….layer by layer…bit by bit… over time.
I’m prompted to do so yet again…one more layer, one more bit.
I was reminded today that forgiving is FOR GIVING….first of all to ourselves. I choose to give myself the gift of forgiveness. I choose to pray for, wish for, hope for … the best…. for the father of my children.
I hear from others that he continues to function in this world in toxic ways that harm people. I am saddened by that. I hope that he can experience healing so that no longer happens. I would love for my kids to one day feel like they can re-engage with him because he is capable of healthy relationships with them. Right now, that is not the case.
I choose forgiveness. I choose to create a life of joy and peace. I choose life.