Archive | August 2015

Creating Something New

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I knew for awhile now that change was coming in my life. I knew, because my spirit was getting weary from my heart  and mind at war.

I knew because I had been there before.  That awful, heart sinking sensation that happens when you know the person you love is either not willing or not able to meet your needs.

I decided to stop fighting.  But, because I had been fighting for awhile, my spirit is still weary. I imagine it will be for a while.  I will be patient and kind to myself while I bounce back.

The great thing I have learned about these experiences,  is that when you stop fighting, and choose to focus on the new, the bounce back comes more easily.

So, I am moving on. I am thinking about goals and dreams for my next chapter.  I grieve as I need to, but I won’t let myself get stuck there.

A new chapter can be exciting!  Who knows what the future holds? I believe there is an abundance of good coming my way. I am open to that and I welcome that. I also believe in my ability to handle the inevitable challenges that will come as well.

Here’s to creating new beginnings!

Hope

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I have hope.

I have hope for the future.

I have hope for tomorrow.

I have hope for creating a home environment that is stable and secure and family oriented.

I have hope for having a home my kids can come back to with partners and kids for special occasions and every day visits.

I have hope for my kids to have healthy, happy relationships and families and careers.

I have hope to continue my education and continue to enjoy my career.

I have hope that I will travel and enjoy experiencing some of the beautiful and interesting places on this planet.

I have hope that I will continue to meet interesting people who enrich my life and expand my horizons.

I have hope that I will one day meet a man who thinks I am worth fighting for and committing to,  and who will join me in building these dreams together.

I  have hope for a bright and happy future, and if that is alone, I know I will be happy.

I have hope, faith, and trust in the life I deserve. I have hope in my ability to help create that and in a loving God.

I have hope.

Free to Be Me

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I  have been on an interesting journey of self acceptance and self compassion.  It has been, at the same time, the most freeing and empowering journey,  while also being terrifying and challenging.

I am learning a lot about my true nature and who I am at my core. Instead of the constant judgements and recriminations I used to berate myself with, I am working on embracing who I am and learning to work with that.

I am learning that I function best when I take things slowly and take the time to plan and think through what I need to do. I used to judge myself so harshly for that. It seems to me that we live in a society that values the ambitious, decisive go-getters.  I value having people like that in my life too. We need them.

But, we also need the thinkers and planners. We need the ones who are behind the scenes considering every angle and taking action at a pace that works for them. People like me. We need to value those people too. I  need to value those people too. I need to value me.

My ex-husband often criticized this about me. He told me often that he needed me to be more decisive and action oriented. I  accepted his perspective that I was flawed in this way. I tried very hard for over twenty years to change my nature. I kept trying. I would get so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t make myself be different.  I struggled with anxiety and a constant sense of dislike towards myself.  I  developed patterns of self talk that were mean and even cruel towards myself.

In reality, when I work with my true nature…when I give myself time to think, consider, plan…. I  make good decisions and I accomplish a lot. Decisions that need to be made are made and I feel at peace with them. Actions that need to be taken are taken, within time frames that feel comfortable to me. There is no anxiety and no mean self talk. There is peace.

I have this week off from work. I had such ambitious plans for what I wanted to get done. But, instead I have been doing a lot of relaxing, thinking, journaling, reading, and planning. I found myself starting some mean self talk again. I am so glad I caught myself doing that. I don’t need to answer to anyone about how I spend my time. I am not going to be disapproved of any more. I am not going to be criticized any more. Unless I do it to myself! I  deserve better. I  deserve to love myself for who I am and value my true nature.

It has slowly dawned on me that what I need more than anything right now is exactly what I have been doing. It is not lazy to give my body,  mind, and spirit time to rest, reflect, and just be. It is healthy.

If I am true to that, the things I want to accomplish will get done ….at a time and pace that feels good to me. That will be much healthier and much more fulfilling for me.

Ahhhh….that  feels so much better. I am going to make some tea and go back to my book now. 🙂

The Beauty

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Enough dwelling on the past.

The life I have now is far from perfect, but I choose to see beauty in it.

I have a connection with each of my kids as young adults, and I think I am pretty tuned in to them and what is happening for them in their lives. We have deep and meaningful conversations, and they come to me when they need to sort things out. To me, that is far more valuable than anything I can offer them financially or materially. That is beautiful.

I love my job. I feel fulfilled and I feel like I am living my purpose on this earth every day.  I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do the work that I do. That is beautiful.

I have a supportive family who loves me. I know we are not always on the same page about some things, and although that is hard for me, there is so much love and support.  That is beautiful.

I have amazing friends who have stood by me and who challenge me to learn new things all the time. They bring laughter, joy, fun, and love into my life.  That is beautiful.

I have a man in my life who is trustworthy, affectionate, attentive, and loving. He has taught me many things, and helped me to open up my wounded heart again.  No matter what the future holds, that is a beautiful.

I live in a place that has beauty so near, and the opportunities to appreciate that beauty often.  Nature and sunshine nurture my soul.  That is a beautiful.

I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and food in my fridge. That is a beautiful.

Today, I focus on the beauty.

I am grateful.

The Wishing…

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I was doing some tidying today and found my journal from last year. I am going to share my entry from November 8, 2014:

You know what is exhausting?

It is the wishing.

The wishing that none of the last five years had happened.

But, they did.

The husband I loved, the man I gave all of myself to in every way, betrayed me in every way.

My world was shattered.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

My children’s innocence, their belief in the stability and security of our family, was stolen.

They have struggled ever since.

I have struggled ever since.

And he has struggled ever since.

Yet, it can not be put back together again.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men…

Forever broken.

Forever.

And the pain…

It is still there, for all of us.

Yes, I have mostly healed.

Yes, I have moved on.

I have found a wonderful and amazing man who truly loves me in ways I have never experienced before… not ever.

The kids have accepted it.

Yet… there is still pain.

I imagine there always will be.

This is not the way it was supposed to be.

The dreams of a young woman… for life long love and an intact family… children raised with never wavering security…

All gone.

And so…

The wishing.

I NEED to stop the wishing.

The wishing hurts so much.

It keeps me back, keeps me pushed down, locked in a prison of pain.

No more wishing.

What is done, is done.

What happened, happened.

It is what it is.

I have learned, grown, and, in some ways even blossomed.

The kids will be okay, eventually.

They have struggled, but they will never be naive and sheltered. They are not judgmental.

Life can be beautiful on the other side of pain.

Family is still family.

Newly formed, pulled together…

It can be good.

No more wishing.

Instead:

Accepting.

Embracing.

Expecting.

Loving.

Giving again.

New and different.

Life with Hope.

Mom Guilt

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Last night I had a conversation with my 21 year old son, that left me with a mix of emotions.

We were talking about how he and his sister don’t have vehicles to drive, and how it means that I am still driving a 21 year old and 19 year old around sometimes.  I can’t afford to help them get vehicles, so I feel like I need to help them practically as much as I can. But, I also want to encourage them to take responsibility for themselves and I was remembering how I saved up for my first car. I made the classic parenting mistake of saying, “When I was your age…. “.  Yeah, my bad…. I know better than that.

My son said, “Yeah Mom, but you had your parents.”  Shocked, I said, “What do you mean? Do you not feel I have been there for you?”

He said, “Yes, you have been here for us emotionally and and been as supportive as you could.  But, it has been hard for all of us.  We haven’t had stability like you did.  We didn’t have financial support and help like you did.”

Ouch.

Instantly, I felt my stomach clench with regret and sadness and guilt.

“Oh Son, I know. I feel so bad about that.  I wish it could have been different for you!” I said.

My son, in his infinite wisdom of 21 years on this earth said to me, “Mom, you have nothing to feel bad about.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  You did the best you could in the circumstances and I appreciate everything you do for us.  It’s okay.  I made my own choices too.  I didn’t choose to handle my emotions very well, and I could have done better.  That’s my responsibility.”

He’s right.  I didn’t want my kids to be “children of divorce”.  I didn’t want them to feel the pain of the divided family and have to face some harsh truths that they had to face.  But, I can’t change the facts or the past.

It is also true that they have learned a lot and grown in some ways that is very valuable through this.  I am not sure I would have had some of the wisdom my son demonstrated last night “when I was his age”.

I can’t help them financially the way I want to.  But, I do my best to support them, guide them, and be a sounding board for them as they are navigating the waters of early adulthood.

I choose to believe they can still thrive through this.  I have to.  I hope I can help them do so.

I have done my best to love them, to provide the amount of stability possible through everything, and to create an emotionally safe home for them.  I know that is valuable, and I am hopeful for the future.

It’s The Way It Is

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Twenty-five years ago today, I made vows that I meant with every fiber of my being.

Six years ago today, I was told “I didn’t ever love you, not even on our wedding day”. (This was recently apologized for and recanted, but five years later, after the damage was well done).

Five years ago today, I was living in my parents’ basement with two hurting teenagers, and had a very intense and powerful counselling session in which I chose to redefine this day as my anniversary of commitment to loving myself.

So, Happy Anniversary to Me! ❤

Yes, I am sad today. But, I am also at peace.  I choose to recognize my own worth and I choose to be loving to myself.