Be Patient

Ahhhh yes…..how I long for calmness and peace.

I am feeling disappointed that I made the decision to postpone a vacation I was going to take. I was going to go on vacation alone. That was a pretty courageous step for me.

However, I am recovering from whiplash from a minor car accident a few weeks ago and it’s not a good time for me to do that much driving.  Also, there is a lot happening with my kids and I feel better to be here for them right now.

It is disappointing, but I know I will still go….just not yet. I will take the time off for me and to find my place of calmness within. I will be patient. My vacation is coming.

It’s Who I Am

My journey of self discovery has included a program called Dressing Your Truth. It is an energy profiling system that resonates with me and has helped me more than anything else I have ever found to understand and love myself. The above is part of the description of Type 2 energy….the soft, subtle energy type.  It is me in every way. This has always been my nature.

All of my life, I have been criticized for….and beaten myself up for….not taking a stand, not speaking up. There are times when I should do so and have trouble. I am working on this.

But, I am finding a new freedom in embracing and understanding something about myself.  On any given subject…unless it is a completely morally reprehensible one…. I can see, understand and even FEEL where people are coming from on various sides of an issue. I speak to someone who is firmly on one side….and I can meet them there. Then, I speak to someone on the opposite side, and am able to equally meet them there.

In the past, I would beat myself up terribly about this. I would think there was something wrong with me. I would judge myself with words like “weak”.

I am starting to understand that we type 2 people are often called on to bring our gift of being peacemakers and mediators. It is an important gift that is needed.

The difficulty is that sometimes someone I love will feel hurt or betrayed that I didn’t take a stand with them. I am hoping to get better at communicating to my loved ones what it is like for me.

If I take a stand with someone, it is against someone else whom I also love. I hear and feel both. I love both.

What I DO take a stand on is love. But, for me that means loving both.

When I feel pressured to stand against a loved one,  I  literally feel sick. Sometimes I get sick. It goes against my nature so strongly that it manifests in my body through pain, digestive issues, anxiety, etc.

It has taken me so long to understand this about myself. I now need to find ways to be able to communicate it when feeling pressured. Writing about it here is the first step towards that for me.

Wow. …just expressing that feels like it released a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe. I hope I can find ways to live my truth moving forward.

Creating A Shift

I knew yesterday that what I needed to do was to work on shifting my emotional state. I know from experience that it’s not easy. But, I also know from experience that it is possible.

The circumstances that were contributing to my discouragement were outside my control. My feelings about all of that are valid. I gave myself time to feel all of that. I didn’t judge my feelings or push them aside. But, I also knew I didn’t want to get stuck there. I needed healthy outlets for those feelings.  I needed to process them to be able to create the shift.

The first way for me to do that is writing.  I did that here. Then, I talked it out with a good friend at work. I was still struggling with discouragement at lunch time. So, I went for a good long walk in the sunshine and listened to music that lifts my spirits. I also listened to an audio session in a course for personal growth that I am taking. I did some journaling after that to remind myself of my spiritual focus.

It helped that some good news came in the afternoon at work.  I made sure to connect with all three of my kids in the evening.  I made the choice to focus on what I find uplifting on facebook and ignore the rest. I posted some funny and uplifting posts.

By the end of the day, I felt like myself again. I felt grounded, strong, and hopeful. I started the day with gratitude and prayer today, and I am feeling at peace.

It is so encouraging to know I can take control of how I respond to the circumstances that are outside my control.  I am grateful.

Feel it All

Yesterday was a hard day. Father’s Day is difficult for my kids. They talk about seeing facebook posts about the wonderful fathers other people have. And, although I am blessed to have a wonderful father myself, I feel the pain and loss my kids experience.  It hurts. A lot.

I also found out that my daughter is back in an unhealthy relationship yesterday.  I found out on facebook when they made their relationship facebook official.  That hurt. And, I am really concerned.  My son told me about some of the dynamics he observed in that relationship and he is very concerned.  I have stated my concerns, and she will need to figure it out. But,  they are pretty big concerns so it’s hard to let that go. 

Facebook completely overwhelmed me yesterday.  More photos of other beautiful family weddings with happy families, wonderful tributes to amazing fathers and husbands, posts about social and political issues in which people I love are on polarized sides (which sometimes makes me feel torn in two), and my daughter’s news. It became too much for me.

In addition, my ex-husband bought my daughter a car. She really needs reliable transportation, so that’s good. He’s finally stepping up to help so that’s good.  But, what’s hard about it is how I handle all the day to day needs of my kids by myself….and then he can swoop in once a year or so (conveniently on father’s day ) and be the hero with such a grand gesture.  There is no way I can do something like that.  I’ve been giving her rides, making sure she has bus passes, groceries, and still helping with her cell phone so she can manage on  her own. All of those things I help my kids with every day is exactly why I can’t buy them a car. But he can, because he lives for himself day to day.  Sigh. It’s frustrating.  But, she will now have reliable transportation, so that’s good.

Yesterday, my mom also shared with me some recent test results that indicate a possibility that her cancer may be active again. They will be monitoring it closely. I am trying not to worry. I am trying to trust. But, that’s not easy either.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Today is a new day. I focused on gratitude this morning, and hoping for a shift to come soon.

Now Versus Then

It seems to be my life long struggle not to be too hard on myself. I can’t remember a time…from my earliest memories of childhood to now…that I did not battle this. I’m not sure why….I guess it’s the way I’m  wired.

I have to say, though, that I have improved in this area significantly.  Now that I no longer experience the consistent blaming and criticism that was present in my marriage,  it is easier for me to stop, reframe my thoughts, and be more fair to myself.

It’s interesting what will trigger this tendency.  Today, it was seeing photos of my cousin’s daughter’s wedding.  It was beautiful and fun and spiritual.  I saw the photos of my cousin and her husband on either side of their glowing daughter in her wedding dress, beaming with pride and love. I saw the siblings of the bride gathered around her in support and love. I saw the extended family with all their intact marriages and happy families celebrating together.

I felt such happiness for all of them. And then a wave of grief crashed over me and flattened me with a ferocity I hadn’t seen coming. 

It won’t ever be like that for me and my kids. It won’t.  It doesn’t mean it can’t be good.  I’m sure there will be many happy celebrations to come in our lives.

I don’t know if they will ever have a healed relationship with their dad that he will ever be part of those things.

And…the big question that nags in the back of my mind that I am always afraid to express….have my kids been too damaged that we won’t ever have those kinds of celebrations?

There, I said it. That’s my fear.

And that’s when I start beating myself up and feeling I’ve failed them.

I know that I did the best I could with what I knew while they were growing up.  I really did the best I knew how to do.  But…it doesn’t change the fact that they have been wounded and damaged.

I am doing the best I know how to do now to help them heal. It’s a long road for all of us. But, I’m applying what I’ve learned to being there for them now. I get discouraged at times with how long the road still seems to be. But, I have to trust.

We are all getting there. One step at a time. And, what will be, will be.

Quiet Rebel

I have been on an interesting journey of getting to really, truly know myself.  I’ve tried to do that all my life, but in the past, my journey of self discovery was always accompanied by self judgement.  Now, I am doing my best to learn who I am from a place of acceptance,  curiosity, and self compassion.  What a difference that makes!

When I came across this quote, I smiled and recognized myself immediately.  I am often quiet. I am in the background. …listening, observing, thinking, processing.  Many times, people interpret this as compliance or agreement.  Sometimes that may be accurate. But, many times, I am finding the words I need or drawing on that strength within me to take a stand.

And when I do…I am solid in it. I do not like to be told what to do or what to think or what to feel.  But, I also need time to check in with myself to know for sure what I do want to do, what I do think and what I do feel. I have noticed that my strongest relationships are with people in my life who have understood this about me and have the patience and wisdom to respect what I need.

With people who don’t get it…I will be polite, and then go my own way. I surprise people with my resolve when I do this. I do it in my quiet, respectful way. But, I do it with certainty.

I am embracing who I am and understanding myself is giving me much peace.