Tag Archive | healing

Still Healing

I think I am finally finding some healthier perspectives about my kids. I am so blessed to have some very wise and supportive people on my life who have been reminding me of important truths. It’s hard to see those truths when you are in the midst of the emotional turmoil of your own real life sometimes. 

My kids have gone through a lot of trauma, as have I.  And, at the same time, I am still a good mom and they are still good people. We are all working through our own healing journey in our own ways and on our own time lines.  I  can’t rush theirs or make their journey take a direction that is more comfortable for me. I need to keep working on my own healing. 

In the meantime, I have taken control of my own journey by setting and communicating much firmer boundaries with them. That is for their good, although they don’t completely  see it that way. There was some push back, but that was to be expected.  At the same time, they also expressed understanding of why I needed to do it. 

I do need to trust that they will find their way through this. I will provide unconditional love and support along with healthy boundaries in the meantime. 

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True Intimacy 

Part of my forgiveness process regarding my ex-husband involved understanding this concept. I came to understand that he was not capable of healthy love and true intimacy. I am guessing he probably wanted to love me….and I think he did….to the extent that he could.

But, I remember so often through the course of the 20 years of marriage feeling so empty and unfulfilled.  I remember trying to look into his eyes or create deeper levels of connection and intimacy. …and it wouldn’t work. I used to blame myself, because I had become conditioned to believe things were almost always my fault.

However, having experienced deep, intimate connection with someone I love has made it so clear to me now. There is nothing wrong with my ability to love deeply and share true and fulfilling intimacy.  I have always been capable of this and have always done my part to create it.

My ex-husband was not able to join me there.  His woundedness runs too deep.  I am sad for him about this. I actually do pray for him regularly.  I do hope he will find the healing he needs. 

In the meantime, I am enjoying embracing who I am. …giving and receiving love and appreciating the incredible value of someone who can join me in that. It truly is a beautiful thing!

All Good Things

It has certainly taken a long time for me to realize and embrace this truth. 

But, I do believe it. It has been a long, hard road in many ways to get here. And, my journey continues. As I grow and embrace these truths, much good has come my way. My path gets smoother, straighter, and wider with each blessing I see and celebrate in my life. The people, the experiences, the lessons, the opportunities. …they all keep me moving forward on a path for my highest good. 

I am excited to see what my path will lead me to next!

Freedom

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This has been one of the most empowering and enlightening insights in my healing journey.

When I was married, I felt continuous pressure to deny and hide true feelings and true thoughts. When I was bold enough to speak my truth, I was often told I was wrong and then corrected about what I really thought and felt. I remember once near the end of the marriage asking him, “how can you possibly know better than me what thoughts or feelings are inside me?” Without missing a beat he answered confidently, “because I know you better than you know yourself”.

The arrogance! I cringe now when I think about how I slowly allowed that to be my reality….to be manipulated into believing he knew better than I did about everything, including myself!

Life is so different for me now…and so much better! I have chosen to eliminate or set boundaries with manipulative or abusive people. I choose to have those closest to me be people who love me for who I am and who value my thoughts and feelings, even if we differ in our perspectives. It is so freeing and feels so good to honor myself in that way!

I am still on my healing journey, but I am well on my way!

The Carving

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It’s interesting to me that we have the perspective that we will just get over deep loss.

That’s not the way it works.  Instead, the loss becomes part of us. It becomes part of the fabric of who we are. We take it in, we absorb it, and it becomes part of us.

But, that’s okay. In fact, it’s a gift. But only if we allow it to be. If we allow ourselves to feel, to reflect, to learn, to grow….loss creates a deep compassion. ..a strong but gentle knowing when we see loss in the eyes of another.  We can respond in a way that helps heal other’s hearts, continuing our own healing at the same time.

I am gratefulfor this gift.

Go Through It

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Okay, I know the truth of this. But, it still is something I try to avoid and run away from.

I am reminding myself that pain serves a purpose.  There is something to be learned. There is growth that we would not experience without the pain.

Thank you to my dear friend who spent many hours with me yesterday,  allowing me a safe and loving place to go straight through some pain headlong.  Because of her friendship, I could stay with it long enough to feel it and process it.  That helps me to get to the other side of it where healing is available for me.

I know I am learning a lot right now, and I know there is so much growth happening for me. I know the pain is a necessary part of that.

By talking about and writing about it, I can move through it and not get stuck. I can feel that happening now.

Thank you, my friend.  ❤

Putting one foot in front of the other

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Yesterday was such an interesting day.

I am continuing to battle waves of sadness about the end of my relationship.  But, I am also getting stronger every day.

I was also feeling deep concern about a friend yesterday who had something very big happening in her life. My thoughts were continously on her and many prayers were being offered for her.

Then, in the midst of one huge wave of sadness and concern, I  noticed a notification on my phone that I had been tagged in a post by a dear friend.  When I read the post, I was in awe at the timing. Her unexpected tribute to me shocked me, but was just what my heart needed at just the right time. My friend has an amazing talent to use words to create such beauty and power and to move hearts. I am so incredibly honored and humbled by her words.  And so incredibly grateful that she most likely listened to a nudging to write that just when it was most needed. That is divine love.

It has helped me regain some perspective.  I can let my thoughts get stuck in my old story that somehow I am not enough. That is why I have been reminding myself on this blog that I AM ENOUGH.

To have someone else so eloquently and beautifully remind me of the gifts I bring to this world, reinforced that for me. It reminded me that I AM ENOUGH.

Thank you, my dear friend.  You bring divine light and love to my life, more than you know.

So, today….there are more waves of sadness.  And ongoing concern for my friend.  But, I am breathing, and I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am approaching a corner, and who knows what is around the bend?

I am believing for good things. And in the meantime, remembering to let my light shine in all the dark places, including the ones in my own heart.