It was difficult for me to come to the realization that the man I had loved was toxic for me. I had spent many years rationalizing and justifying so many unhealthy dynamics in his life, in our marriage, and in our family. To finally face the truth was very hard for me, but very freeing.
It helped me, and continues to help me, to remember that he has positive qualities and good in him. But, that doesn’t mean it is healthy for me to be in a relationship with him.
Right now, I am struggling with how my adult children are being affected by this. My sons have each, on their own time lines, and in their own ways, made decisions to not have contact with their Dad. I can understand their reasons and why these are healthy choices for them.
My daughter is another story. She feels sorry for her Dad and doesn’t understand why her brothers can’t just forgive and move on. She spends time with her Dad and comes back angry at us and sad for her Dad.
I walk a delicate tight rope of trying to hear her and support her, while sharing the painful reality of why her brothers and I have made the choices we have.
I wish it was different. I wish my kids didn’t have to experience this pain.
But, it is what it is, and it is painful for all of us.
I will continue walking that delicate tight rope, and will do my best to honor the truth as I know it. I will continue to unconditionally love each of my kids in their own unique journey through this. I pray for wisdom and strength to respond in healthy ways to their pain. I feel inadequate for this job sometimes….mothering these amazing but wounded young adults through this. But, I was blessed to be given this job, so I will do my best.
God, give me strength and wisdom.