I have been on an interesting journey of self acceptance and self compassion. It has been, at the same time, the most freeing and empowering journey, while also being terrifying and challenging.
I am learning a lot about my true nature and who I am at my core. Instead of the constant judgements and recriminations I used to berate myself with, I am working on embracing who I am and learning to work with that.
I am learning that I function best when I take things slowly and take the time to plan and think through what I need to do. I used to judge myself so harshly for that. It seems to me that we live in a society that values the ambitious, decisive go-getters. I value having people like that in my life too. We need them.
But, we also need the thinkers and planners. We need the ones who are behind the scenes considering every angle and taking action at a pace that works for them. People like me. We need to value those people too. I need to value those people too. I need to value me.
My ex-husband often criticized this about me. He told me often that he needed me to be more decisive and action oriented. I accepted his perspective that I was flawed in this way. I tried very hard for over twenty years to change my nature. I kept trying. I would get so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t make myself be different. I struggled with anxiety and a constant sense of dislike towards myself. I developed patterns of self talk that were mean and even cruel towards myself.
In reality, when I work with my true nature…when I give myself time to think, consider, plan…. I make good decisions and I accomplish a lot. Decisions that need to be made are made and I feel at peace with them. Actions that need to be taken are taken, within time frames that feel comfortable to me. There is no anxiety and no mean self talk. There is peace.
I have this week off from work. I had such ambitious plans for what I wanted to get done. But, instead I have been doing a lot of relaxing, thinking, journaling, reading, and planning. I found myself starting some mean self talk again. I am so glad I caught myself doing that. I don’t need to answer to anyone about how I spend my time. I am not going to be disapproved of any more. I am not going to be criticized any more. Unless I do it to myself! I deserve better. I deserve to love myself for who I am and value my true nature.
It has slowly dawned on me that what I need more than anything right now is exactly what I have been doing. It is not lazy to give my body, mind, and spirit time to rest, reflect, and just be. It is healthy.
If I am true to that, the things I want to accomplish will get done ….at a time and pace that feels good to me. That will be much healthier and much more fulfilling for me.
Ahhhh….that feels so much better. I am going to make some tea and go back to my book now. 🙂