It’s Up To Me

So, my life hasn’t turned out the way I hoped or expected it to. I grieved that for awhile.  Sometimes I still do.

But, I realized it was up to me to create a different life for myself that could still be good. I  took stock of my circumstances, and decided it was time to clean some things up.  I knew I had work to do on myself and work to do in terms of some practical problem solving.

I attended regular counselling for the first few years after my marriage ended. This helped me look at myself and take responsibility for my part. It also helped me to NOT  take responsibility for his part, which I had been prone to do.  I set some personal goals for self improvement and worked hard at making some changes.

I have been learning to identify,  value, and ask for what I need. This is still very hard for me at times, but I have improved in this area. I worked on some perspective shifts about my worth and allowing myself to be vulnerable and shine. I have worked on being more assertive and setting boundaries.  I have identified some codependent traits and am working on overcoming those.  I am learning to be more comfortable with conflict, and stand my ground when I need to.  I am learning about my true nature. ..my authentic self… and learning to accept and embrace that without judgment.

All of that is a work in progress, with a long way to go. But, when I look back to who I was in my marriage, there is no question about how much I have grown.

So many people have commented on what a different person I am since my marriage ended. I am often told I seem so much happier, at peace, and seem to have more fun. It’s true…. I do, and I am!

I ran into a relative I haven’t seen in years recently.  She told me I always had a worn out and worried look on my face before.  But she commented now that I looked so relaxed and happy! It was so encouraging to hear that.

I do have a lot of self respect now. I have had to overcome a lot of obstacles in the past few years. I took responsibility for myself, my kids, and creating the best new life I could for us. I have made plenty of mistakes and stumbled a lot. But, I have done my best and given it all I could.

It’s up to me.