Tag Archive | New beginnings

The Beauty


Enough dwelling on the past.

The life I have now is far from perfect, but I choose to see beauty in it.

I have a connection with each of my kids as young adults, and I think I am pretty tuned in to them and what is happening for them in their lives. We have deep and meaningful conversations, and they come to me when they need to sort things out. To me, that is far more valuable than anything I can offer them financially or materially. That is beautiful.

I love my job. I feel fulfilled and I feel like I am living my purpose on this earth every day.  I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do the work that I do. That is beautiful.

I have a supportive family who loves me. I know we are not always on the same page about some things, and although that is hard for me, there is so much love and support.  That is beautiful.

I have amazing friends who have stood by me and who challenge me to learn new things all the time. They bring laughter, joy, fun, and love into my life.  That is beautiful.

I have a man in my life who is trustworthy, affectionate, attentive, and loving. He has taught me many things, and helped me to open up my wounded heart again.  No matter what the future holds, that is a beautiful.

I live in a place that has beauty so near, and the opportunities to appreciate that beauty often.  Nature and sunshine nurture my soul.  That is a beautiful.

I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and food in my fridge. That is a beautiful.

Today, I focus on the beauty.

I am grateful.


The Wishing…


I was doing some tidying today and found my journal from last year. I am going to share my entry from November 8, 2014:

You know what is exhausting?

It is the wishing.

The wishing that none of the last five years had happened.

But, they did.

The husband I loved, the man I gave all of myself to in every way, betrayed me in every way.

My world was shattered.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

My children’s innocence, their belief in the stability and security of our family, was stolen.

They have struggled ever since.

I have struggled ever since.

And he has struggled ever since.

Yet, it can not be put back together again.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men…

Forever broken.


And the pain…

It is still there, for all of us.

Yes, I have mostly healed.

Yes, I have moved on.

I have found a wonderful and amazing man who truly loves me in ways I have never experienced before… not ever.

The kids have accepted it.

Yet… there is still pain.

I imagine there always will be.

This is not the way it was supposed to be.

The dreams of a young woman… for life long love and an intact family… children raised with never wavering security…

All gone.

And so…

The wishing.

I NEED to stop the wishing.

The wishing hurts so much.

It keeps me back, keeps me pushed down, locked in a prison of pain.

No more wishing.

What is done, is done.

What happened, happened.

It is what it is.

I have learned, grown, and, in some ways even blossomed.

The kids will be okay, eventually.

They have struggled, but they will never be naive and sheltered. They are not judgmental.

Life can be beautiful on the other side of pain.

Family is still family.

Newly formed, pulled together…

It can be good.

No more wishing.






Giving again.

New and different.

Life with Hope.

Aha Moment


I have been really down today.

I was trying to figure out why and was coming to some conclusions that I knew didn’t sit right with me.

I  just went for a walk, and that’s when it dawned on me.

Tomorrow would have been my 25th wedding anniversary.


Even though it has been years now, and I don’t miss him or the marriage anymore ….there is sadness.  The sadness is about the loss of the dream. I always thought there would be a wonderful 25th anniversary celebration.  I am Facebook friends with two other couples who got married the same year.  I  remember attending their weddings.  They are still together and seem happy. I  have watched their posts about the celebrations they have been having. I think the sadness has been building for a few weeks as I have been watching this.

It’s all part of the healing process.  I know I did what I needed to do for myself and my kids.  I have no regrets about that. But, the grieving goes on, in layers, year after year.

At least I  can make sense of the heavy heart I was feeling.  Just that realization helps me breathe a little easier. And it is preventing me from letting that emotion come out towards someone or something else when that’s not where it belongs.

One more hurdle to jump over. Keep breathing and moving forward. As always, it will be okay.

We are not Meant to Stay Wounded


I love this.

I think we are conditioned by the society we live in to avoid pain. So, we engage in all kinds of unhealthy behaviors to run away from or escape emotional pain.

But, ironically, when we do end up experiencing a crisis or a tragedy, we can get stuck in our woundedness. It becomes a new comfort zone. Sometimes it becomes our story. We might have a victim story, and it soothes our ego to get some compassion from others. Sometimes our wounds become a convenient shield to prevent anyone from getting too close. We don’t have to be too vulnerable or take too many risks if we are stuck in our victim story.

That’s part of the reason I took some time to start this blog. I didn’t want it to be a victim story. I  didn’t want it to contribute to keeping me stuck in any way. I wanted to be sure my intentions were in a healthy place in terms of my purpose.

I want to share a story of healing, of overcoming,  of victory.  I hope that is what I accomplish.

It definitely has been true for me that choosing to move through the pain, to face and deal with it, has brought amazing gifts into my life. It has created an ability to connect to other’s hearts and increase my capacity for compassion.  It has taught me life lessons and wisdom that has enriched my life and enabled me to share with others.

I am so grateful for these gifts.

It’s Up To Me


So, my life hasn’t turned out the way I hoped or expected it to. I grieved that for awhile.  Sometimes I still do.

But, I realized it was up to me to create a different life for myself that could still be good. I  took stock of my circumstances, and decided it was time to clean some things up.  I knew I had work to do on myself and work to do in terms of some practical problem solving.

I attended regular counselling for the first few years after my marriage ended. This helped me look at myself and take responsibility for my part. It also helped me to NOT  take responsibility for his part, which I had been prone to do.  I set some personal goals for self improvement and worked hard at making some changes.

I have been learning to identify,  value, and ask for what I need. This is still very hard for me at times, but I have improved in this area. I worked on some perspective shifts about my worth and allowing myself to be vulnerable and shine. I have worked on being more assertive and setting boundaries.  I have identified some codependent traits and am working on overcoming those.  I am learning to be more comfortable with conflict, and stand my ground when I need to.  I am learning about my true nature. ..my authentic self… and learning to accept and embrace that without judgment.

All of that is a work in progress, with a long way to go. But, when I look back to who I was in my marriage, there is no question about how much I have grown.

So many people have commented on what a different person I am since my marriage ended. I am often told I seem so much happier, at peace, and seem to have more fun. It’s true…. I do, and I am!

I ran into a relative I haven’t seen in years recently.  She told me I always had a worn out and worried look on my face before.  But she commented now that I looked so relaxed and happy! It was so encouraging to hear that.

I do have a lot of self respect now. I have had to overcome a lot of obstacles in the past few years. I took responsibility for myself, my kids, and creating the best new life I could for us. I have made plenty of mistakes and stumbled a lot. But, I have done my best and given it all I could.

It’s up to me.

It’s My Story


I have been feeling a nudging to start this blog for some time. I  knew it would be therapeutic for me to write about my story, and I also sensed that it would be helpful to others.

There was one thing that stopped me.


It is a very vulnerable experience to own a painful story and tell it. A huge part of my journey has been to look at myself, my part in my story,  and to take responsibility for that. That is not an easy thing to do. I have come a long way, and it is my intention to continue that journey.

But, my fear was more than that. I was still afraid of my former husband finding out and being angry. That was a fear I knew all to well.  That fear had been my constant companion for over twenty years. A huge part of my healing has been working on overcoming these fears.

My kids have talked with me about how they remember their dad making it very clear that we were not to talk to anyone about what goes on in our home. I remember that too. I felt very restricted in my interactions with friends and family and kept everyone at arms length.  I was afraid people would see the truth….that our family was not as it appeared to be and that I was failing to somehow make everything okay.

When the crisis my marriage was in became clear to me, my former husband gave me permission to only speak to one person about it, his sister. But, I  was so broken and struggling so much with what to do, that I couldn’t maintain the facade with my closest friend.  One day while going for a walk with her, I broke down and told her what was going on.  She was wonderfully supportive and very concerned.

My friend had only seen the charming, funny, intelligent side of my ex, and so she didn’t even think twice when she phoned later that night to check on me, to say to him when he answered the phone, “I hear you are having a rough time. I’m sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. ”

My ex handed me the phone with a glare and said “She knows?” in a raged whisper. I nodded and quickly made small talk with my friend to finish the conversation.  She knew something was very wrong by my response as well as his. But, from the public persona she knew of him, her comment should have been well received.

After I hung up, I got yelled at about how wrong that was and I had no right to share with my friend.


I was given the message that I had wronged him terribly, even though I knew this friend was trustworthy and would keep it confidential.

This is only one of many incidents that created this deeply rooted fear in me to tell my story.

I have no desire to hurt anyone, to create trouble, or to seek any form of revenge.

I intend only to speak the truth in terms of my story because I know,  from personal experience that this can be healing for others. I know this, because that is what happened for me.

When I was coming to terms with what was happening in my marriage, I joined an online forum and read other people’s stories. I could be anonymous and seek help and support.  I learned I was not alone and I was jarred into seeing the truth of my situation for what it was.  I became strong enough to stop excusing and rationalizing completely unacceptable behavior.  I got stronger and was able to do what I needed to do for myself and my kids.

If one person who reads this has a similar experience,  it is worth overcoming my fears.

This is my story. It’s mine to tell.

Post Traumatic Growth



I found this article the other day, and what an encouragement it was!  My counselor suggested to me, shortly after starting to see her, that I was likely experiencing post traumatic stress.  We addressed that through a specific type of therapy called EMDR (https://emdrcanada.org/emdr-defined/) which as very helpful to me.

Fortunately for me, because I was seeking help and support during and after the crisis time in my life, I began to experience healing and positive growth within the first few years afterwards.  If you have experienced emotional trauma, or are currently going through a difficult time, I encourage you to read the article and find hope in those words.  Choosing to seek support and help, and choosing to address the trauma in healthy ways, can be the catalyst for tremendous growth in your life.