The Chaos and the Courage

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Anyone who knows me well knows I like calm. I like peace. I like gentleness.  People use these attributes to describe me. I long for these things.

Yet, my life has been a whirlwind with chaos and upheaval and change. Much of which has been brought into my life by choices I have made.

I need balance. It is good to have some excitement and some change. But the person I am finds too much of that exhausting.  I’m exhausted right now.

I am doing a lot of self reflecting.  Every choice I make in my life hugely affects my kids. They are adults, yes….but they still need me to continue setting the tone for our healing journey as a family. I have created some detours to that path which will take some recovery time for all of us. I didn’t intend to do that, but I did.

I am feeling the weight of that, and it’s a heavy burden.

I need to stay on that healing path and stay focused on that. My kids are watching for me to lead the way.  They need me to.

I know that I am also showing them, through my humanity and mistakes, that you can be strong and brave enough to change directions and course correct when necessary. I am not sure they see the good part of that right now, but I hope they will. We are learning and growing together as a family, and I am thankful that we have open and honest conversations together.

My story is not gentle and easy and smooth.  It is not peaceful and lovely. But, it is beautiful in its brokenness and stunning in its strength.

I pray that my story will speak of healing and hope and courage. And maybe….a peaceful chapter is coming. ….

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