It’s interesting how we get bombarded with certain life lessons. …and the same ones just keep coming and coming….until we finally learn what we need to learn. Sigh. I know that’s for my good, but I sure am weary right now.
One of the effects of my marriage was that I became conditioned to believe that I just couldn’t do much of anything right. I remember fighting against that early in the marriage, but then being criticized for being too defensive. Over time, I slowly adapted to the mind set that I was really screwed up in some fundamental ways, and that I needed to depend on others (especially my ex-husband ) to guide me through my inevitable screw ups.
After I left him, the fog started to lift. With the help of friends, family, and my counselor, I started to see my strengths and value. I felt such freedom in finding a balance of taking healthy responsibility with not taking responsibility when it wasn’t mine. It was quite a process, but I really felt I had mainly tackled this issue.
Apparently, there is more work to do! I have been presented with situation after situation after situation in which my mistakes and faults are brought to my attention. …sometimes lovingly and gently….but mostly with painful clarity.
Ouch. It hasn’t stopped yet. Just when I thought two days ago that I was finally coming up for air….one of my kids said some very painful things to me last night that broke me. I crumbled. I felt like such a failure.
We talked it through and got to a healthy place. He apologized and we hugged and came to a better understanding of what each of us has experienced. In the end, that is very good. But the journey to get there sure hurt. And many other events leading up to that over the last few months have hurt.
I am so aware that I stand on the edge of the cliff that I have fallen down so many times before….the cliff that tumbles me down, battered, bruised, and broken to the valley of I Am A Failure. I have lived in that valley often. It was a long, hard, victorious climb out! I don’t want to go there again. Yet, event after event has been pushing me closer to the edge. Please, no more nudges. I need the strength to turn around and find my way back to the land of Self Worth and Joy. It was so great when I was living there. I need to find my way back. I do know the way. I just need a break so I can find the strength.
I have a new story to write. I want to start writing it. I want to author a new chapter in my life. I want to get past the current triggers that keep happening. I know I will never again sink as low in my self worth as it was when I was married. But, I need to get to a healthier place now. I am praying every day for loved ones in my life who are suffering, and it weighs on me. I can’t fix things for them and I can’t change the past. I am human, I am fallible, I make mistakes and that is okay.
It is time to move forward to the next part of my story. And it will look nothing like my past.