I’m not sure at what point I became aware of not being wanted in my marriage. I know it wasn’t that way in the beginning. But, over time I would realize that I wasn’t being noticed anymore. I wasn’t being seen. I recall feeling invisible and insignificant. I also remember trying to talk to him about it, and those conversations did not go well. My memory of those conversations were that I was told I was misreading things and putting too much pressure on him. So, instead I found myself trying harder to get his attention. I would lose weight, change my hair color, learn something new, take more interests in his interests. But, none of that worked.
Eventually, I was rejected all together.
As painful as that was, I now see the gift in it.
For some reason, when the subtle ongoing rejections went on for years, I somehow tolerated that and allowed it to chip away at my self esteem.
But a clear and direct rejection triggered something different in me. Something inside rose up to counter that rejection. Some part of me knew I did not deserve this.
That is what it took for me to realize this important truth:
I am worth wanting.
For years I questioned that.
The knowledge that I am worth wanting gave me the strength and courage to take action and move forward.
That was the beginning of learning to love and accept myself just as I am.
For that, I am thankful.